Crossroads to the Front Row

Choices. We all make them, every single day. Some are as mundane as what shirt will I wear today or what should I make for breakfast. Others choices have greater impact on our lives and the direction in which we are headed. We come across many crossroads and paths throughout our lives and we must choose which direction to follow. Some decisions are easy, others take a while to think about and weigh the options. Regardless, once the choice is made, we set off in our chosen direction and the alternate route is closed off, at least from that particular point of entrance.

Sometimes I wonder about the choices that we make to bring us to where we are today. My musings generally have to do with choices that were outside of my control. Typically, this is in the form of nostalgia. Imagine your closest friend. The one with whom you can share everything in complete honesty without worry of judgment. Someone who shares your joy and your pain, your ups and your downs. Someone who shares your faith and in who you see God. Now multiply that by 6. That was my family the last year or so of college. We were the closest of friends. It's difficult to describe such a deep friendship, such an amazing dynamic, unless you've experienced it. There is truly nothing like it. I cherished it and reveled in it until the end. I'll never understand why we were ripped apart through petty jealousy and stupid hormones. But we were. Fractured and splintered, small pieces of what once was. I can't say that I am sad, because I am blessed to have known such friendship and love for the time in which it was mine. It has changed me for the better.

There was another group of friends very similar to ours. We were all friends, sort of an extended family. But there were two cores. Mine split apart. The other, the one that I started out being a part of freshman year, has stayed strong. I am so thankful for that, that they have managed to overcome everything and remain strong. It is a true blessing. I don't go on Facebook much these days, I got over it after we spent countless hours on it when it first came out as a college network. (and that was before apps and the other gadgets and games it now boasts) I have pictures from my core, from the good times, the memories. And I love them. Sometimes it hurts, but I can still think of the good times fondly. The beautiful pictures of new encounters and adventures amongst the other core of friends, the ones still intact and strong, makes me smile while simultaneously pulling at my heart strings. Bittersweet. Nostalgia. Communication amongst old friends is an interesting thing. Interesting to see which communications people work to renew, choose to keep, allow to dwindle, or which they seemingly refuse to acknowledge.

I have been blessed to have many friends over the years. I have many acquaintance with whom I love to meet. While on occasion there have been larger groups, I have always had a small circle of truly intimate friends. I get along with many people, quite happily so, but have always seemed to keep a smaller circle of those closest to me. It's not intentional or by design, it just how it seems to work out. And, truth be told, I am happy. I deeply cherish those I hold closest. Quality, not quantity, is what fills my life and warms my heart. I would rather have one very dear friend than 100 mild acquaintances. But sometimes I see friends who have many, many close friends (or what appear to be close friends) and I wonder if I've done something wrong. It leads me to the what ifs, a game which I but rarely indulge, for it is typically without purpose. In discussing certain wedding plans, there are quite a number of close friends of both myself and fiance who will be invited. But I have noticed that I have only a few friends from high school and college with whom I am truly close and have invited. I see others who have dozens of friends from these chapters of their lives and I wonder if maybe I'm wrong somehow...or maybe they just function differently than I do.

I believe that God brings people into our lives when we need them or when they need us. Everyone has something to share, something to teach us. If we are smart we will embrace these opportunities as often as we can. People pass in and out of each others lives, leaving their footprints behind as a mark. And from these people, the few, true souls we are meant to share our lives with, remain with us. That is not to say that some people are bad or unimportant, just that everyone has those people with whom they are meant to develop deep and meaningful relationships. By definition such friendships cannot exist with everyone. It would diminish their importance and purpose. Someone once described our lives as a theatrical production in which we get to fill the audience. We get to choose who is in the front row of our lives, who is in the back, and who isn't even inside the theatre. It's quite an interesting concept, one which I have thought about on many an occasion. The front row cannot hold an infinite number of people, nor should it. Some seats rotate, others remain constant, yet others may still be open waiting to be filled. No ones front row has the same number of seats. After all, each life is as unique as a snowflake, thus the architecture of our personal theatre is unique in its style and design. Relationships are not perfect, life would be boring if they were. These front row relationships are the most important in my life. I know who is in my front row. Who is in yours?

How Time Flies

Time certainly flies when you're busy having fun. We had the memorial desert trip for Moe. It was intense, fun, sad, wonderful, memorable, emotional, closure. We had a carpet of purple flowers welcoming us on either side of the road as we drove into the flats, it definitely set the tone for the weekend. We knew Moe was there waiting for us. The valleys were covered in purple flowers. Now, I haven't been going to the desert for very long, but some of our friends have been going for close to 20 years. They have never seen purple flowers out there, not like this. Yeah. Intensity. The crack of dawn ride was incredible, watching the sunrise from the top of a dune after being cleansed with white sage by her brother was an amazing experience. Camp was huge, so many people. The ride out to the memorial valley was epic, so many people whose lives she touched. I know she was right there with us, loving every minute of it. I broke my quad. Well, my quad broke, but it wasn't my fault. I think it was Moe's way of telling me I am ready for a bigger bike. That's what I get for showing off for her playing in the dunes above the memorial valley. It makes me smile.

We booked our reception venue last Friday. It's such a relief to have that figured out. We met with a caterer last night and will hopefully have the food booked by the end of next week. Everything will flow together after that, the venue was the biggest obstacle/stresser. I'm getting so excited. We registered for kitchen stuff over the weekend, it was a really fun experience. And, let's be honest, those little scan gun thingies are incredibly fun to play with. The fiance's mom is throwing us a summer kitchen Jack & Jill wedding shower so she needed us to at least register for kitchen related items. I'm looking forward to completing our registration, it really is a fun experience discussing and deciding on the items we would like to have for our life together. It seems so simple, but it's really meaningful and a lot of fun.

Tricks 'n things

I was so excited to finally be posting again and sharing some great pictures of the puppy that I forgot to share all her commands and tricks that she knows!! Of course there are the standard commands - sit, down (lie down), shake, come, stay. She has also learned leave it, take it and drop it. The really cool ones are high five (taught by our trainer), play dead (the bf turned this natural behavior into a command), kisses (yours truly) and crawling...sometimes. We will probably work on getting her to wave, our trainer showed us how to teach it, we just haven't worked on it much yet.

The three of us (the bf, puppy and I) had a fabulous day that started with breakfast at our favorite local coffee shop, followed by a day working in the tasting room at the winery, and then a BaaaaaaaarBQ at a friend's house. (it's International Talk Like a Pirate Day) We were going to have the bbq regardless, but it made a great reason and theme for the evening. Hung out with some friends and made some nice new ones, it was a lovely evening. Tomorrow we're hanging out down at the bf's place. His mom recently had a surgery and is recovering but still sore. We're having a bit of a birthday celebration since she and I share a birthday on Wednesday (the 23rd), and the bf's birthday is 6 days after. It should be a lovely relaxed day. We're up at my parents' next weekend for my brother's birthday party (he turned 13!!!) It will be a happy birthday to me and the bf as well, but the focus will be my brother. I'm making his cakes. I'm making two just to make sure we have enough. I'll tell you more about it later, complete with pictures.

Wine and Sunshine

I'm utterly exhausted after a very full day, but it was fabulous and absolutely worth it. The morning started off with the discovery that it was actually rainy. I love the rain, but I definitely wasn't expecting it this morning. The bf and I met up with the Manager and a group of about 18 other young adults from our church group this morning to drive up for a day of wine tasting at the bf and my favorite winery. We organized the trip and I have to say it turned out extremely well. We had such a great turnout and we couldn't have asked for a more beautiful day. You're probably sitting there wondering how that could be with the rain I said we had. The bf and I were laughing because every time we've gone to this winery it's been really stormy and rainy at home, but the sun always peeks out and it's always beautiful at the winery...today was no exception.

Everyone in the group really seemed to have a great time. They did wine tasting and the owners made pizza in their brick oven with wood from 50 year old oak wine barrels. The pizzas may have originally been from Costco, but boy did they turn out fantastic. I think that was about the tastiest pizza I've ever had. It was so great to see the owners again, the bf gets along particularly well with the husband of the operation...just today he decided that the bf was like his son. It was really cute. He asked if we wanted to work at the winery, helping out when he and his wife can't be there to do tastings. I'm going to send him my photos from today for their website...the bf and I want to get up there to do a photo shoot sometime, and we've offered to help out at special events and whatnot up there. I'm really excited. I just absolutely love it up there and they are just such wonderful people. I know that we brought them a lot of business today because not only did we do the wine tasting and pizzas, but a number of people in our group bought a bottle or two of wines to take with them. I really hope that the bf and I are able to have our own winery someday. :)

We came straight down to his parents' church when we got back to help out with the Bazaar. It was a lot of fun...we were there last night until nearly 10 helping get the booths set up...yes there's a bit of a story there, but that's for another post. Without doing anything I managed to irritate my knee up through my hip (seriously, it's acting like I abused it going non-stop crazy at Disneyland for 12 hours) Typically, I compensated for it with my right side, and now of course my right hip is protesting too. I swear I'm only 23. Anyways, I'm just about done icing and the ibuprofen is kicking in. I think it's about time for bed.

Another one of the many reasons why I love him...

The bf and I went to Dave and Buster's tonight with the Manager, one of our Wednesday traditions once or twice a month. The bf and I usually head down a little early since the Manager doesn't get off until 7 (except starting Monday we switch to summer hours and he's off at 5 ALL SUMMER!! Granted, that means I'm there until 4:30, but I'm actually excited about the extra sleep in time) The bf hit jackpot on this ball dropping game he loves quite a few times. Now, we've been to D&B's quite a lot and have quite a few tickets saved up on the bf's Gold Card. (I think around 30,000) Anyways, the Manager and I were perusing the prize shop while the bf finished entering our most recent batch of tickets. We'd been chatting with a couple boys and their father about the games and whatnot, and the boys were amazed by the number of tickets we had to enter and already on the card.

Evidentally while I was in the shop looking at hysterically colored, oversized velvet ties, the bf found out through conversation that one of the boys' favorite video games had been stolen. Now, Dave and Busters actually had that game in the prize case. The boys didn't have enough tickets to get it though. I wasn't there for the actual conversation, but the bf decided to help them get the game. They fed the remainder of their new tickets onto the bf's card, and he "bought" the game for them. Haha, it's making me grin like an idiot right now just remembering it. :) The boys and their dad were so excited and SO thankful. I was SO proud of the bf for being such a generous, nice guy to complete strangers. I mean, I knew he was a generous nice guy, but it was so touching to see it in action. I know that he made that family's night, and that he totally fulfilled that little boy's wish. That in and of itself made my night. :)

Sunday Smorgasbord

I unfortunately do not have any new information about Dave's condition. Thank you for all of your prayers, please keep them coming. I promise to update as soon as I know more. I'm hoping to get an update sometime tomorrow.

Two trips to Disney's California Adventure = awesome. First trip wasn't so fun, what with the bf being in a REALLY bad mood all day and being a jerk while we were there...but he's since apologized profusely and we're all better now. Today's trip was AWESOME. Just a relaxed day with the bf and our friend Trickster. He's an amazing rider and like a little brother to both of us. (updated the nicknames post with his and a few other new nicknames)

Went to the mother/daughter luncheon with the bf's mom yesterday, we had a great time. This was her last year organizing/running it. She actually worked out that the Knights would host it and would make it into a family event next year. They'll do the bbq, etc. The ladies will still run the silent auction and raffle, etc. I think it's a great idea. It will bring in a lot more people and subsequently a lot more money for the fundraiser. (a center for the support of pregnant women and mothers, wonderful organization) The bf's mom and I talked about having a girl's day sometime with lunch and a chick flick. That should be fun, she really is such a sweet lady.

Swine Flu has everyone in a tizzy for no real reason. I get the significance, I think the media just needs to chill and find something else to focus on. They're inducing an unnecessary panic. That being said, there was a chance of the campus I work at closing. In such a case, I would be considered "essential staff" and would still have to work. Lame. But our student who was ill was tested negative for swine flu, so I think we're pretty safe for the time being.

Beth's posts over at A Mom's Life inspired me to buy and start the 3o Day Shred. I'm doing really well so far. Even started a separate blog to track my progress. (yes, I realize I'm posting more consistently there than I am here at the moment...I'm working on it)

I suppose that's about it for the moment. I think I'm going to get some sleep now. I hope everyone has a wonderful week!

To my 'twin' on his wedding day

Jacen~

You have been there for me through so many things, both happy and no so much. You have been a rock in the choppy waters of life, a sounding board when I needed someone to talk to, even when those calls came at 4am. You have protected me and guided me through countless situations, defended me from those who would hurt me. You have made me laugh and been there to dry my tears. I could talk to you about anything, and you would always listen. You've always had the right words, you've always supported me and believed in me. We may not talk everyday, but when our phones connect it's as if no time has passed. You are one of my best friends, my Jedi twin.

I can't believe you are getting married today. It makes me so happy to see you in love with such an amazing woman. I haven't seen you this genuinely happy in a long time. She truly makes you happy, I can tell she warms your soul. She helped you find God, something that, let's be honest, I didn't think I would ever see. That alone endears her to me. Her kindness and sweet nature only make her better. She's also sassy enough to keep you on your toes, which is an accomplishment in and of itself.

As everyone turns to watch her walk down that aisle, my eyes will be on you, to see that look on your face when you see your bride. I will be praying for God to bless your marriage with joy and happiness for all eternity. You deserve it my friend. Congratulations Jasa. I love you.

**Disclaimer - I do not actually have a twin. He is one of my best friends and we've always joked that we were twins. (and seriously been asked before by multiple people) But we call each other twins, it's an ongoing joke/thing. :)

Defying Gravity

I will be defying gravity come mid-August. I just purchased our tickets to Wicked! It's about time I saw the musical that had such a strong impact on my senior year of college with my friends. I only know the music, I can't wait to finally see the musical.

We ended up getting tickets at almost the front of the mezzanine, dead center. It was a little more than we had planned, but it was SO worth the extra money to get such good seats, and still for under $100. ($81, to be exact)

I keep talking about "we", don't I? Well, "we" consists of me, the bf, my cousin Ariel, my boss Lily, the Manager and his friend. We are all super excited to go, I can't wait until August! I have so many exciting things that I'm looking forward to. My best friend's wedding tomorrow, San Francisco in June, Wicked in August, and many things in between.

A Perfect Saturday in 12 Steps

1. Start on Friday with sushi and Juno with the bf and the manager.
2. Be sure to prepare yourself the night before by going to bed ridiculously early.
3. Start the day by waking up without an alarm.
4. Meet the bf to get breakfast from your favorite coffee shop down the street.
5. Spend the morning with Shamu and friends, be sure to get your free "I <3 Biff" t-shirt for being a Sea World Passport Member
6. Spend the morning playing at Sea World with the bf and the manager
7. Get a glass block etched with a whale tale by Wyland from the gift shop with the passport discount (courtesy of the bf)
8. Come back to the apartment with the bf. Let him make spinach dip and wash your dishes while you unclutter some things that have been driving you nuts.
9. Spend some time making out
10. Watch excitedly as the bf orders you a shiny new Canon Powershot SX110 IS for your one year anniversary on Wednesday.
11. Drive over to the D's house where your desert family has gathered for a turkey dinner
12. Spend a fabulous evening with your friends playing games, eating and generally enjoying each others' company.

Photostory Friday: Friends, Wine & Fun

Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

Friends, Wine & Fun

Tuesday night the bf and I hosted a social for the Young Adult group at a place called Wine Steals. It was so much fun, I made some great new friends. We're heading up North about an hour or so with our desert family to camp at a lake. I'm so excited. It will be even better than our desert trips because we're just relaxing and not worried about riding at all. We'll probably do a bit of wine tasting tomorrow, seeing as we'll be a hop skip and a jump from several amazing wineries. I can't wait. I haven't seen Bells in forever...we're planning to watch Twilight and eat oreos at some point. There will be giggling. Guaranteed.

Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

Perspective

It's so easy to get caught up in your own life and struggles to a point that they are all you can see. Nothing else could possibly be more stressful or irritating than your own issues. It is often somewhere along this point, that you are given a healthy dose of reality- perspective, if you will.

Through various events and stresses, I have been living dangerously close to my own personal edge. Let me tell you that I have never been so precariously perched near the edge as I have gotten the past few weeks, and it takes a whole lot to even get me close. Rough patch with the bf (which we've happily gotten past), irritation at work and other minor stresses have added up. And to tell you the truth, I'm not fond of my own behavior lately with my low frustration threshold and the consequences of such.

Enter reality checks. I really have it pretty good. These little things that set me on edge are trivial. (minus the stuff with the bf...but like I said, we've resolved them and we're good) Perspective is a great thing, though it sometimes breaks my heart when I get it. Irritating and monotonous calls at work are nothing when compared to a friend whose mother just underwent surgery to remove a wretched disease they call cancer. Or a friend undergoing the trials and pain of a first love and heartbreak. (girls can be just as awful as guys sometimes, only worse) Or friends dealing with pain and suffering in those around them, big, painful things.

When you hear these things, it really puts things into perspective. Suddenly the minor daily annoyances don't seem quite so annoying. A little bit of tiredness isn't cause for a national crisis. You're suddenly reminded of how blessed you are and how good and beautiful life truly is. Perspective is a great thing when you pay attention to it. I try to notice, because it usually comes when I need it most. I feel refreshed and renewed, in a way, because suddenly things aren't quite so burdensome.

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...as far as the reasons for my new perspective, please offer a prayer (or two) for a dear friend's mother. I haven't written about it, it's a little too close right now. But pray for her healing, pray that the cancer was successfully removed today in surgery. Pray for healing for all people suffering from heartache and loss of any kind, particularly when they've done nothing to deserve it. Pray for broken families and broken hearts...pray for peace and comfort for those entertaining thoughts of suicide and for those dealing with those issues. Pray that love would prevail in this often cold world. Pray for love, pray for peace, pray for clarity. Pray for hope.

Perfect Start to the Weekend

This week has really turned itself around (aside from being ridiculously busy) Things seem to be going well with everyone, work is going well and I've got great plans for the weekend.

It all started off tonight playing tennis again with the bf. (we haven't played since just before I got sick with mono) It was great to be back out on the courts...I wasn't quite as bad as I'd expected to be after having not played in months (and not being all that great to begin with when we stopped playing) Afterwards we headed to The Cheesecake Factory to spend a gift card that's been burning a hole in his pocket since his birthday. I got a "grown up" dinner of herb crusted salmon with mashed potatoes and asparagus. It was quite delicious. I love salmon but was surprised to be craving it when I saw it on the menu. Go figure.

Tomorrow I'm driving up to spend the day with my person. (the nickname post has been updated too, by the way) I'm so excited, I really just need a day with her. We may goof off a little at Disneyland, we shall see. While things are going well with everyone, I've definitely learned a lot about friendship recently in many ways and am seeing things slightly differently than I used to...none of which is a bad thing. Also, thanks to time and many wonderfully encouraging comments from everyone here, I am no longer blaming myself for not spending "equal" time with the bf and my other friends. I'm not blaming myself that things DO change when you enter a serious relationship, and that some people just can't quite understand that without having had a similar experience, and that's okay. These are all things I'm still thinking about, and I'm sure will be discussed tomorrow with my person. But the biggest conscious realization is that the bf and I are a team. Period. He's here to stay. And I couldn't be happier. :)

Sunday the bf and I are planning to walk to the Farmer's Market and then spend the rest of the day outside, still haven't decided where. We'll also get to mass and to the monthly Young Adult Dinner Social. I'm really excited for that, it'll be the first one the bf's made it to, so that's amazing.

Overall this is going to be a great weekend. Now all I need is to get some good sleep. I'm SO excited to sleep past 7 tomorrow. Who knows, maybe I'll sleep until EIGHT. Haha, I'm living the good life, right? :) I hope you all have amazing weekends!

Out of Sorts

It is with deep sadness that I have to tell you that the Sultan's daughter's father passed away today. I can't even begin to imagine what she is going through right now. Bee told me tonight at mass. I don't have words to describe, but I ask that you keep the Sultan's daughter and her family in your thoughts and prayers. I will be praying particularly that she finds peace in her father's passing.

My mind is slightly less jumbled after a nice long chat with Ani tonight. I needed to talk to someone about this news, and about various things. I'm not sure how long he's been sick, I only found out last week when I posted asking for prayers for him and his family. And that goes back to the contents of the post about feeling like a double agent sometimes. And it hurts a little bit. And that's partly my fault, and partly not. It was comforting to talk to Ani about everything that's been going on, and that split that so many of you offered wonderful advice about, the friends vs. relationship. Like so many of you wonderful readers, Ani offered his own version of advice, saying that so many people don't understand that things DO change when you're in a serious relationship. And that if they haven't been in a similar situation, it can be hard to understand. He made me realize that I'm not a freak, I'm not just an idiot who can't manage to get things straight. It's NOT just me. It's partly my friends. I won't blame them, but I'll stop blaming me too. (or at least try)

I'm just a little out of sorts this evening. And very, very sad for the Sultan's daughter. I can only imagine the pain and grief, and can only wish that I could make it all go away. I think maybe I'll pray the rosary before I sleep, help focus my prayers for her and her family. It's the best way I know to quiet and focus my thoughts that run so rampant through my head.

Mending Fences

For such a positive, happy person, I sometimes forget just how important a can-do attitude and a little determination can be, and consequently am sometimes astonished by the results. I by no means have corrected the effects of neglecting my friends, but a little outreach filled with love has gone a long way in less than a day. I'm already working to make plans and make sure that I don't neglect anyone anymore. The bf and I had a great talk this morning about all of it. He's really happy that, unlike last time I decided my life needed to be balanced, this time I talked to him about it first and explained how I was feeling and what I was thinking to do. (thereby avoiding the mess that nearly broke us up during our third month...I'm sure many of you remember those whiny posts) I still need to be sure to not neglect him either, but work more for the balance.
I have a phone date with a friend on Sunday, and I'm visiting an old friend on Monday who happens to be a priest (interesting story, but that is a blog post unto itself)
I'm also taking the Sultan's Daughter's advice to actually call my friends, because they do care and they do miss me. Somehow, somewhere in there I'd gotten convinced that I wasn't missed and that they didn't care. Crazy, right? She was certain to point that out to me last night. It was really due to a simple im message from her a few days ago that kicked my butt and brought me back to reality, gave me the energy that I needed to right things. And I'm happy about it.

I'm making it sound like everything's better already, and it's on it's way, but still a work in progress, and it's far from being perfect. I'd talked to Bee earlier in the week about maybe taking Friday as a movie/art project evening. She hadn't sounded overly enthused or entirely free. I'm not sure if we talked about it more than once (I think we did). But from the vibes I got, I figured we weren't doing anything tonight. So I accepted the dinner invite from the bf's parents this morning. Only to get a text around 6 or so asking if I wanted to do dinner since I'd mentioned maybe being free. I felt awful. I don't think I did anything wrong, but after the conversation we had last night, and with everything I'm trying to work on, it was kinda like, duh stupid. But like I said, it's a work in progress, and I've only just begun. I just have to show her through actions that I'm making a sincere effort to balance and not neglect anyone. It's only a matter of time.

Before I close tonight and get some much needed sleep, I have a prayer request that nearly breaks my heart, especially because I just found out about it. (what can you expect when you go mia for so long) But the Sultan's Daughter's father is more or less dying from lung cancer. It's a very hard and painful situation that I know I only begin to understand on the surface. But if you all wouldn't mind keeping all of her family in your prayers, it would mean a lot to me. I was so glad she told me, but also shocked because I didn't know what to say. So I'm going to pray the rosary, for her father. The rosary helps me focus, especially when my mind just won't seem to shut itself up.

Double Life

Sometimes I feel like I live a double life. In one there I am the girlfriend. In the other I am the friend. And lately? I've been living almost exclusively in the girlfriend side of my double life. Which leaves the other side withering and dying, which is not cool.
But tonight I start to question and wonder why there has to be a double life, a double identity. Who said that I had to start a split life that never quite seems to mesh? Who is living my life, me or the people I'm trying to please? Well, as of right now, it's me. I am determined to nurse my ailing friendships that have gotten pushed to the side in favor of the girlfriend side of me. And I'm determined to keep the girlfriend side healthy and strong, but who said I have to choose one over the other? When did I stop living my own life and making my own decisions? It happened so subtly I didn't even notice it.
Well, as of right now, the double life no longer exists. They are merged. And whoever can't handle it or doesn't like it can get the hell out of my life. (yes, I admit that's a bit drastic and probably not true, but, it's nearly midnight and I'm still awake, please indulge the momentary drama) I'm going to start balancing my friendships and my relationship before my friendships disappear from lack of nurturing, and without withering my relationship. All it takes is a little bit of balance. And I have the determination to do it. All it took was the realization (thanks to a well worded im and subsequent conversation with the Sultan's daughter and a separate conversation with Bee) to realize that I am missed and that they care. I know, the Sultan's daughter was way shocked when I admitted that I had somehow convinced myself that I wasn't missed and wasn't needed. I see now how silly that is. And now more than ever I realize what wonderful, beautiful friends I have.
From now on the only double life I'll ever lead is that of a double agent (but don't worry, I doubt I'll ever be Sidney Bristow)

**disclaimer-the double life reference is figurative, not literal. I'm still the same me, I just feel like there are unnecessary and unhealthy splits on my focus and attention...hopefully that makes sense. It's late and I'm tired.

Morning update: Had a great talk with the bf, and he's on the same page. He understands how I'm feeling, and while he's protective of me in terms of completely blaming myself, he understands. I'm very hopeful, and already taking steps to equal things out and merge those two sides so they aren't at odds with each other.

Frozen Yogurt

I had this great post planned last night. I wanted to tell you how amazing my new stylist is and how great my hair looks. But before I got to my computer I checked my voicemail and was desperate to write about how confused/excited/surprised/shocked I was by the message I had waiting for me from a woman at the school district where I student taught, asking if I was still interested in a music assistant position for which I'd put in an application eons ago. Incidentally, I called this morning and the woman told me they were just finding out who was still interested in positions before they make any moves, so I don't know if there are any music assistant positions available. I told her I was definitely still interested. At the very least I'll complete the interview process.
Dinner preparation distracted me, but I finally sat down to write about all these things. And then my friend B imed to see if I wanted to run to Target with her. My beautiful friend B who I haven't spent time with in a while, partially because I've been busy, and partially because she was out of town for a couple weeks. See, her grandfather passed away. I didn't make it to the funeral because I was sick...that was the day I found out I had mono. I'd wanted to be there for her. I jumped at the chance to see her, my post forgotten. It was a random and fun night. We spent some time at Target, with a brief stop at Bed Bath & Beyond to look at beach towels. She has her first ocean swim training this week. (you can find out more about what she's doing here at her site) We were walking back to the car when she asked if I wanted to get frozen yogurt. We went to this great self-serve place down the hill from our school. They have lots of flavors of frozen yogurt, and a counter full of toppings. You make your own treat, with as little or as much as you want, and you pay by the ounce. It was quite the popular place to be last night, so we took our treats to the tables outside, and sat there talking for over an hour, just catching up. B told me about the week before her grandpa died, and about the funeral. It was wonderful just to listen, to be there. I was privileged to meet her grandpa on a few occasions, he was a very nice man.
B spent the entire week before the funeral scanning photos and putting together a slide show for the reception after the funeral. She put it up for friends and family not in attendance to see, but she had to lower the quality to get it to fit online. After frozen yogurt we went back to her place and I got to see the full quality version. It really was a beautiful tribute.
I love nights like last night. Completely unplanned, but wonderful and fun all the same, even better than having set plans. I had a great time, and it was wonderful to see B, especially since she lives across the street from me. I'm still working this whole balance thing...but I think I may have it figured out. My friend L helped me with that. But that's enough for a whole nother post.
I'll end by sharing a link with you to a place where you can waste many, many hours. B's roommate K sent it to her, and B showed it to me last night. It was amazing. I'm planning to spend a lot of time playing here.

Team in Training

I've mentioned it a few times, even posted about the volunteering and the concert, but I realized I never talked more about it. One of my closest friends, B, started training for Team in Training just over a month ago. In a nutshell, Team in Training is an organization that trains you to run in things like the Rock 'n Roll Marathon, or, like my friend B, in a triathlon. In return, you fundraise money that goes directly to fund research on leukemia and lymphoma. The way I understand it, there are "honored" team members, cancer survivors in whose honor you train. It's really quite neat, it's a huge, nationwide organization. There were hundreds (maybe even a thousand or more) TNTers at the San Diego Rock 'n Roll Marathon, some ran the half, others ran the whole. It's incredible how many people were running to support this cancer research. B has lost several friends to leukemia, and it's a really big deal for her, it's something she's very passionate about. I am so proud of her, this is really a big deal and she is such a role model in my life. (more than she knows I think) I have toyed with the idea of doing it myself at some point, but still am not sure if I am ready to make such a big commitment. I am completely willing to support my friend as she does this though, I think it's commendable.
I have been meaning to get over to donate to her, just haven't done it yet. I'm planning to do it tomorrow (since I'm crazy busy tonight with music lessons and rehearsals) Part of this post, is because I know she's still trying to fundraise a lot of money...her total is $4500. I'm posting a link to her Team in Training site, and if you feel moved or are able, take a look, check her out, support her if you can. She also needs a lot of prayers, they really help and I know they mean a lot to her.
The other thing, and maybe this is silly, but most of you know about my hesitancies of sharing my blog with friend irl, B is one of those people. So, needless to say, she doesn't know that I'm posting this, she doesn't know about my blog. She knows I read and comment on lots of blogs though. So there you go. Please keep B in your prayers, I just know she is making a huge impact on the world and inspiring so many people.

The picture for today is on that I took while we were cheering for the runners in the Rock 'n Roll Marathon a few weekends ago. It was a perfect day, and so very inspirational.

Thought for thought

I think. A lot. You might accuse me of overthinking. (trust me, I have been accused of this before...rightly so) It has its benefits, sometimes it's a good thing, other times it gets in the way and causes more harm than good. Regardless, it makes my head a crowded place to reside sometimes. Talking helps, on occasion. Writing is my outlet, whether it's online or in my paper journals (which have actually seen the light of...my bedside lamp...the past few days), writing is a release. Sometimes just the act of getting my thoughts from inside my mind to outside of it on paper, releases some of the pressure of these bits of ideas and images racing around inside my brain like superheated particles crashing into one another. I need to remember to make time to allow myself this outlet. (it helps to keep the pressure out of my head) Time shouldn't be an issue, as I was recently reminded in a daily quote email:

"Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein." -H. Jackson Brown

Pretty smart if you ask me, and makes you stop and think a bit, about the concept of time. There is so much and so little of it. (I swear that's a quote from a movie, but I cannot remember which one or who said it...I'm thinking something epic, like Galadriel in Lord of the Rings, but I can't remember...it's not important) We are only as busy as we choose to be. We make time for the times we choose. If we really, truly and deeply want to do something, we are more than capable of making it happen. Being busy is only a temporary excuse, if it can be considered one at all. Good excuse, I mean. It's always invoked as an excuse, but rarely justified. Not really.
It's been nearly a year since I graduated. So many things have happened since then. I have grown so much, learned and become more of who I am. Nearly a year ago I watched as my secure little world crashed down around my feet, and I was powerless to stop it, as I watched my dearest friends hurt one another. Betrayals and distrust, conclusions ill gotten and refusal to forgive. I've retreated into myself as I do on occasion when life gets too much to deal with (though I rarely realize it at the time). I just (literally, like 2 seconds ago) realized that it's probably my way of controlling the uncontrollable. Unfortunately this results in me missing out on lots of things...something I may or may not get to later, but is definitely strong amongst the thoughts swirling through my head. I've re-emerged from that sheltered place, and I've grown. I've learned, taught, failed and continued. I've grown closer to my family, made new friendships, welcomed a beautiful, new little family member, grown up some. I've watched as some friends made their own sort of peace and forgiveness, while others continued to hurt. I have a boyfriend who is absolutely amazing--we'll be officially 1 month tomorrow. He has something up his sleeve for Friday night, my cousin has been teasing me because she knows what he has planned. I'm excited, and I am so incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful guy in my life.
I've found myself lost in thought today. (no, really?) I don't know what sparked it, probably not entirely unrelated to hormones and such, but I have this tendency of following one thought and running into a snow storm of others, dragging me into an odd, pensive sort of mood. I know that earlier when I started to write, it was originally going to be about writing. Ah, there I was. I've found my train of thought again. It was just sitting by the stream having a picnic while I tried to find it, sitting in plain view. As some of you may know from earlier posts, I began the writing thing really with my LiveJournal. My friend B got me into that. Really, I was thinking about it on my way home tonight, she has inspired me to so much, and continues to inspire me. But that's a train of thought to fill an entire post unto itself. (and will most likely find its way into a paper journal) Both of our LiveJournals have been friends locked for some time now, for various reasons. I honestly haven't posted there in months. B recently linked me to a new "public" blog she had started over on another site. This was several weeks after I'd begun my blog here. I enjoy reading her stuff, I always have. But, surprisingly, I did not link her here, or even tell her of this blog's existence. I hesitated, and I'm not entirely sure why. I've been thinking that it's a little silly to have a blog that none of my "real life" friends (and I use that with quotes because in no way do I mean to put down any of you who read and comment on my blog, you are all absolutely wonderful and I am so grateful for your kindness and comments, and I love reading your blogs in turn, you all make me smile) ...looking for my train of thought....ah yes. But to not have any of those people know about my blog. And I have tried to think of why, exactly. And I've come up with several answers, the main of which, I don't think I was/am ready. There is a certain freedom and release in writing when you are writing more or less anonymously, in a way. Not sure if that makes sense. Looking back, I feel as if knowing certain people were reading my journal, made me write differently than I might have otherwise. Not necessarily content-wise, well, sort of. I feel like I write more freely and without fear of judgment or scrutiny here than I ever did on my LiveJournal. Not to say that my friends would judge or anything. I'm sorry, I seem to be talking in twists. (you should see how crazy it is here in my head-seriously) But then I read your blogs, and I see the comments from friends both "real life" and from the blogosphere, and I wonder why I haven't shared my blog with my friends. I feel like I'm hoarding it like a treasure or something (so long as I don't start calling it the precious or anything I think I'm okay...) (apologies for the consistently obscure Lord of the Rings references) Basically, I'm sitting here debating sharing this with my friends. Will that change the appeal of my blog? Will it change the way I write? I don't know. If any of you wonderful readers have any suggestions or stories or advice, I would love to hear them.
The other subject that is the root of many of my other thought wanderings lately, are my friendships, two in particular. My job kept me busy last summer, along with the whole little withdrawal from all that drama, and I missed a lot. And it bothers me. Not that there are things, jokes and memories and such that I'm not a part of, because that's fine. It bothers me that I let myself check out for so long. I missed so much, and yes, we are all still friends and I see them way more than I did, but, I feel like a very, very bad friend. I checked out when they probably could have used me most. I have always taken pride in my friendship, and I failed them. I am SO incredibly thankful that they had each other when I was awol. And I know that B has forgiven me for it. I think L has too, but I can't remember if we've had a specific conversation where I apologized. Maybe I should double check that we've had that. But I realized that the reason it hurts so much, is because I haven't forgiven myself. And they give me a hard time about it once in a while, and I completely deserve it. L made a subtle reference to it tonight at rehearsal. I said something about getting together to practice something or other, and she said something like, yeah right or something equally pointed about me screwing up. And it was absolutely deserved. But deserved or not, it hurts. Each and every little reference, in jest or not, tears at my soul and breaks my heart. I know it's not intended that way, but it hurts because it's justified and it's true. I was around, but I wasn't really there. And I just haven't been able to forgive myself for it yet. Maybe when I've made significant progress in repairing, rebuilding and strengthening these relationships, maybe. I want so badly to make things better. As you all know well, I cherish my "me time", and there are occasions where I would honestly just rather sit at home than do anything. And it's hard, because I still miss out on stuff because of it sometimes. It's a constant battle with myself to go out of my way and put myself out there. I miss where these friendships were. They're still good friendships, but they're not the same. They're not bad, I just know that they can be even better. And I know that I can't just flip a switch and suddenly make things back to "normal". It takes effort, and time, and I'm trying. I'm just afraid that I'm not succeeding. And the thought is wearying. I feel like Tarah in season 6 of Buffy, where she comes back to Willow and:

Tara: Things fall apart. They fall apart so hard.
Willow: Tara?
Tara: You can't ever...put them back the way they were.
Willow: Are you okay?
Tara: I'm sorry, it's just...you know, it takes time. You can't just...have coffee and expect-
Willow: I know.
Tara: There's so much to work through. Trust has to be built again, on both sides...you have to learn if we're even the same people we were, if we can fit in each other's lives. It's a long, important process, and...can we just skip it? Can-can you just be kissing me now?

...you know, minus the whole lover's thing and kissing, and whatnot. But the sentiment. I'm just tired. And I feel like my efforts get nowhere. For every step forward, I take 2 back. It's frustrating, and it feels like it's just, not enough or something. And I realize that I'll probably feel much better about this in the light of day when I'm not so tired. But still. I just realized that I'm making this sound like B and L aren't my friends or something. They are, most definitely. I just want to be THERE more. It's my fault things got messed up in the first place. I'm just trying to revisit connections, get things back on track, if that makes sense. And I know that things are never exactly the same, but can always be better. It's just that sometimes it seems like such an
uphill climb, and makes me tired. But these two beautiful women are worth it, they are worth everything. I just want to make things right. And maybe eventually forgive myself for peacing out when I should have been more present than ever.
Wow, I just went off on a complete stream of consciousness there. Dang, way to ramble. See? I told you my mind is a busy place these days. You should see all the OTHER thoughts and details jetting around my mind. You could get lost in there. (that is, assuming you didn't get lost in that ramble up there and didn't even get to this point!) Apologies, I didn't mean to be so wordy. I promise to have a happier post tomorrow.
Today's pictures are two of my favorites. They are from a trip to the pier with B and L to take sunset pictures. The top is one I took of them before climbing up to join them on the beams underneath the pier. (and no, we weren't supposed to be climbing, but it made for some fun pictures) This bottom one is of both of them on the wet sand, silhouetted against the ocean sunset. This was a good day. This is what I miss. I get glimpses of it every now and then, I guess I'm wishing and working for consistency and complete ease. If that makes sense. My head doesn't entirely make sense at the moment, so who knows if the words coming out of it are even in English. (well, I know they're in English because my French is NOT good enough to write this much without tearing my hair out, and aside from pig Latin, it's the only other language I know more than 3 words of!)

Photo specs: (top)
~taken February 5, 2007
~setting: portrait, flash did not fire; photo effect: b&w

Photo specs: (bottom)
~taken February 5, 2007
~setting: landscape, flash did not fire; photo effect: sepia