Sail Away - Photo Edition

I initially began this blog as a place to showcase my photography. Somewhere along the way, I stopped being so good about posting pictures, as Gramma Ann has mentioned on occasion. (see, I get it...eventually) I think part of it was not having a reliable internet connection on the computer that my photos lived on, but not entirely. Around the same time I got really into the actual blogging and community part of having a blog. What I forgot is that the two are not mutually exclusive. I can blog AND post my pictures. Novel concept, right? The lovely Mama Geek and Cecily do it AT LEAST once a week for Photostory Friday.

I can't guarantee that I'll get on top of things right away, but I'm going to try. I also have a shiny new camera that the bf bought me this weekend as a belated 1 year anniversary gift. (belated all thanks to Dell....I love my computer, which mostly makes up for the camera incident) So, in the spirit of getting on top of the initial purpose of my blog, here are some photos from my sailing excursion on Saturday. (they are taken with the bf's SLR...I didn't get my shiny new camera till Sunday...and the SLR is still better...even though mine is SUPER shiny and I absolutely LOVE it!)


This one is of another sailboat out a bit farther out to sea than we were. We stayed fairly close to the coast so the guys could practice coming about, which in sailing language means turning around and moving the sails. It was actually a pretty cool process.


This is a bit of an artsy pic to show the unusally cool ring around the sun. It was nice to finally see the sun! We hadn't seen the sun in nearly a week and a half. (not long compared to some of you out there, but for here that's crazy) Of course it's supposed to rain tomorrow, so we probably won't see the sun then either.



This is the Ocean Beach Pier from out quite a ways from the shore. I had the telephoto lens on for this one. This was one of the last ones I took before I realized that staring through the viewfinder in the wavy open ocean was making me a little nauseous and thus abandoned the camera in favor of sitting back and relaxing in the breeze and rolling waves.

Sunny Sunday

It began as one of those beautiful Southern California summer mornings. Cool and clear, bit of haze out over the ocean to the west. Wake up naturally around 7:20...doze in bed until about 7:45. Wake up in the crisp, cool morning to get ready. Slather in sunscreen to let it soak in, don't want to get burned. (again)
Out the door by 8:45, beach bag in hand, skin ready to face the bright sunshine, already in a swim suit complete with brand new board shorts (purchased of course from the men's department swimming suit area on clearance...they fit so much better, are cuter, and WAY cheaper than the girls' stuff, seriously)
Quick trip over the bridge, windows down to smell the cool salt air. Visiting a new place by the water (will discover later that it is complete with swings) Not sure about the location, but see the bf's truck...hard to miss. Meet the bf and family, camera out to capture the nephew playing in the sand by the water.
Water cool against the feet, but refreshing. Lots and lots of pictures, sitting by the water. Friends show up with toys. Really neat toys. The bf and friends go out for a ride. Come back and it's my turn to come. Holding tight to the bf...drenched in the first few minutes by wakes from friends. (intentional of course...think it's funny) New feelings, but not unwelcome. Exhilarating is really the best adjective. 5 mph on the way out, can't speed until the second buoy. Pass the second buoy, race towards the bridge. Under the bridge...it really is big looking up from the bottom. Past the bridge, past the ferry landing, past the village, past the museum...out and around. Playing games, getting wet, lots of splashing...holding on tight, going faster. Pause to wave hello to the sea lions sunning on a navigational buoy. Out to the lighthouse, past more sea lions on buoys, out to the open ocean. Watch out for kelp and sea grass, clog the intakes. Jumping waves...friend takes 6 foot jump, hear him cheering from far off. Pause for friends to clean out their intakes, abandon streaked and salty sunglasses to the compartment...can see clearly again. Back to the beach, racing through wakes, waving to boats. Pause for the bf to point out a familiar research vessel. Race back, back past the museum, past the village, the ferry landing, under the bridge. Slow to 5 mph at the second buoy...slow all the way in. Beach and anchor. Arms sore from holding onto the bf, legs sore from gripping the jet ski.
BBQ lunch on the beach, absolutely delicious. Drying off in the sun, more pictures. Boys go out to play again. Trying to even out a slight tan. Kids play, lots more pictures.
The bf comes back, my turn to drive. Take the red one, it's better, easier to handle. Teaching and learning, 5 mph to the second buoy, good learning time. Hit the second buoy, speed up (but not much) Exhilarating doesn't even describe the feeling. Stop and go, little shrieks, little jumps. Very different in the driver's seat, but strong arms from behind providing security. Learning to turn into the waves, don't want to tip over. Choppy waters, learning to steer. Out to the bridge, under and around. Coming in, pass the Navy Police. Circle back at the second buoy, back to the bridge. Conquering fear, learning to handle the new toy. Circle the bridge, racing back. 28 mph top speed, try for 30 but chicken out. Second buoy, 5 mph again. Riding gently, bumping over waves. Coming to anchor, pictures taken, circling around, more pictures, this time with the bf. Anchor and wade back to shore. Soaking wet, lots of smiles. Short time to rest and dry before heading home.
Walk to the car, back to the bridge...this time over instead of under. Home for quick shower and turn around with friend to go to mass. Sit down at mass, instant exhaustion from a wonderful day and a desire to go out with the newfound favorite toys again soon. Fabulous Southern California day with the bf, his family and friends.

Thought for thought

I think. A lot. You might accuse me of overthinking. (trust me, I have been accused of this before...rightly so) It has its benefits, sometimes it's a good thing, other times it gets in the way and causes more harm than good. Regardless, it makes my head a crowded place to reside sometimes. Talking helps, on occasion. Writing is my outlet, whether it's online or in my paper journals (which have actually seen the light of...my bedside lamp...the past few days), writing is a release. Sometimes just the act of getting my thoughts from inside my mind to outside of it on paper, releases some of the pressure of these bits of ideas and images racing around inside my brain like superheated particles crashing into one another. I need to remember to make time to allow myself this outlet. (it helps to keep the pressure out of my head) Time shouldn't be an issue, as I was recently reminded in a daily quote email:

"Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein." -H. Jackson Brown

Pretty smart if you ask me, and makes you stop and think a bit, about the concept of time. There is so much and so little of it. (I swear that's a quote from a movie, but I cannot remember which one or who said it...I'm thinking something epic, like Galadriel in Lord of the Rings, but I can't remember...it's not important) We are only as busy as we choose to be. We make time for the times we choose. If we really, truly and deeply want to do something, we are more than capable of making it happen. Being busy is only a temporary excuse, if it can be considered one at all. Good excuse, I mean. It's always invoked as an excuse, but rarely justified. Not really.
It's been nearly a year since I graduated. So many things have happened since then. I have grown so much, learned and become more of who I am. Nearly a year ago I watched as my secure little world crashed down around my feet, and I was powerless to stop it, as I watched my dearest friends hurt one another. Betrayals and distrust, conclusions ill gotten and refusal to forgive. I've retreated into myself as I do on occasion when life gets too much to deal with (though I rarely realize it at the time). I just (literally, like 2 seconds ago) realized that it's probably my way of controlling the uncontrollable. Unfortunately this results in me missing out on lots of things...something I may or may not get to later, but is definitely strong amongst the thoughts swirling through my head. I've re-emerged from that sheltered place, and I've grown. I've learned, taught, failed and continued. I've grown closer to my family, made new friendships, welcomed a beautiful, new little family member, grown up some. I've watched as some friends made their own sort of peace and forgiveness, while others continued to hurt. I have a boyfriend who is absolutely amazing--we'll be officially 1 month tomorrow. He has something up his sleeve for Friday night, my cousin has been teasing me because she knows what he has planned. I'm excited, and I am so incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful guy in my life.
I've found myself lost in thought today. (no, really?) I don't know what sparked it, probably not entirely unrelated to hormones and such, but I have this tendency of following one thought and running into a snow storm of others, dragging me into an odd, pensive sort of mood. I know that earlier when I started to write, it was originally going to be about writing. Ah, there I was. I've found my train of thought again. It was just sitting by the stream having a picnic while I tried to find it, sitting in plain view. As some of you may know from earlier posts, I began the writing thing really with my LiveJournal. My friend B got me into that. Really, I was thinking about it on my way home tonight, she has inspired me to so much, and continues to inspire me. But that's a train of thought to fill an entire post unto itself. (and will most likely find its way into a paper journal) Both of our LiveJournals have been friends locked for some time now, for various reasons. I honestly haven't posted there in months. B recently linked me to a new "public" blog she had started over on another site. This was several weeks after I'd begun my blog here. I enjoy reading her stuff, I always have. But, surprisingly, I did not link her here, or even tell her of this blog's existence. I hesitated, and I'm not entirely sure why. I've been thinking that it's a little silly to have a blog that none of my "real life" friends (and I use that with quotes because in no way do I mean to put down any of you who read and comment on my blog, you are all absolutely wonderful and I am so grateful for your kindness and comments, and I love reading your blogs in turn, you all make me smile) ...looking for my train of thought....ah yes. But to not have any of those people know about my blog. And I have tried to think of why, exactly. And I've come up with several answers, the main of which, I don't think I was/am ready. There is a certain freedom and release in writing when you are writing more or less anonymously, in a way. Not sure if that makes sense. Looking back, I feel as if knowing certain people were reading my journal, made me write differently than I might have otherwise. Not necessarily content-wise, well, sort of. I feel like I write more freely and without fear of judgment or scrutiny here than I ever did on my LiveJournal. Not to say that my friends would judge or anything. I'm sorry, I seem to be talking in twists. (you should see how crazy it is here in my head-seriously) But then I read your blogs, and I see the comments from friends both "real life" and from the blogosphere, and I wonder why I haven't shared my blog with my friends. I feel like I'm hoarding it like a treasure or something (so long as I don't start calling it the precious or anything I think I'm okay...) (apologies for the consistently obscure Lord of the Rings references) Basically, I'm sitting here debating sharing this with my friends. Will that change the appeal of my blog? Will it change the way I write? I don't know. If any of you wonderful readers have any suggestions or stories or advice, I would love to hear them.
The other subject that is the root of many of my other thought wanderings lately, are my friendships, two in particular. My job kept me busy last summer, along with the whole little withdrawal from all that drama, and I missed a lot. And it bothers me. Not that there are things, jokes and memories and such that I'm not a part of, because that's fine. It bothers me that I let myself check out for so long. I missed so much, and yes, we are all still friends and I see them way more than I did, but, I feel like a very, very bad friend. I checked out when they probably could have used me most. I have always taken pride in my friendship, and I failed them. I am SO incredibly thankful that they had each other when I was awol. And I know that B has forgiven me for it. I think L has too, but I can't remember if we've had a specific conversation where I apologized. Maybe I should double check that we've had that. But I realized that the reason it hurts so much, is because I haven't forgiven myself. And they give me a hard time about it once in a while, and I completely deserve it. L made a subtle reference to it tonight at rehearsal. I said something about getting together to practice something or other, and she said something like, yeah right or something equally pointed about me screwing up. And it was absolutely deserved. But deserved or not, it hurts. Each and every little reference, in jest or not, tears at my soul and breaks my heart. I know it's not intended that way, but it hurts because it's justified and it's true. I was around, but I wasn't really there. And I just haven't been able to forgive myself for it yet. Maybe when I've made significant progress in repairing, rebuilding and strengthening these relationships, maybe. I want so badly to make things better. As you all know well, I cherish my "me time", and there are occasions where I would honestly just rather sit at home than do anything. And it's hard, because I still miss out on stuff because of it sometimes. It's a constant battle with myself to go out of my way and put myself out there. I miss where these friendships were. They're still good friendships, but they're not the same. They're not bad, I just know that they can be even better. And I know that I can't just flip a switch and suddenly make things back to "normal". It takes effort, and time, and I'm trying. I'm just afraid that I'm not succeeding. And the thought is wearying. I feel like Tarah in season 6 of Buffy, where she comes back to Willow and:

Tara: Things fall apart. They fall apart so hard.
Willow: Tara?
Tara: You can't ever...put them back the way they were.
Willow: Are you okay?
Tara: I'm sorry, it's just...you know, it takes time. You can't just...have coffee and expect-
Willow: I know.
Tara: There's so much to work through. Trust has to be built again, on both sides...you have to learn if we're even the same people we were, if we can fit in each other's lives. It's a long, important process, and...can we just skip it? Can-can you just be kissing me now?

...you know, minus the whole lover's thing and kissing, and whatnot. But the sentiment. I'm just tired. And I feel like my efforts get nowhere. For every step forward, I take 2 back. It's frustrating, and it feels like it's just, not enough or something. And I realize that I'll probably feel much better about this in the light of day when I'm not so tired. But still. I just realized that I'm making this sound like B and L aren't my friends or something. They are, most definitely. I just want to be THERE more. It's my fault things got messed up in the first place. I'm just trying to revisit connections, get things back on track, if that makes sense. And I know that things are never exactly the same, but can always be better. It's just that sometimes it seems like such an
uphill climb, and makes me tired. But these two beautiful women are worth it, they are worth everything. I just want to make things right. And maybe eventually forgive myself for peacing out when I should have been more present than ever.
Wow, I just went off on a complete stream of consciousness there. Dang, way to ramble. See? I told you my mind is a busy place these days. You should see all the OTHER thoughts and details jetting around my mind. You could get lost in there. (that is, assuming you didn't get lost in that ramble up there and didn't even get to this point!) Apologies, I didn't mean to be so wordy. I promise to have a happier post tomorrow.
Today's pictures are two of my favorites. They are from a trip to the pier with B and L to take sunset pictures. The top is one I took of them before climbing up to join them on the beams underneath the pier. (and no, we weren't supposed to be climbing, but it made for some fun pictures) This bottom one is of both of them on the wet sand, silhouetted against the ocean sunset. This was a good day. This is what I miss. I get glimpses of it every now and then, I guess I'm wishing and working for consistency and complete ease. If that makes sense. My head doesn't entirely make sense at the moment, so who knows if the words coming out of it are even in English. (well, I know they're in English because my French is NOT good enough to write this much without tearing my hair out, and aside from pig Latin, it's the only other language I know more than 3 words of!)

Photo specs: (top)
~taken February 5, 2007
~setting: portrait, flash did not fire; photo effect: b&w

Photo specs: (bottom)
~taken February 5, 2007
~setting: landscape, flash did not fire; photo effect: sepia

Ripple Effect

Green smoothies and raw living. These seem to be the "buzz" words in the blogosphere lately. It seems I can't go a day without coming across some trace of these things. A friend of mine attempted the Green Smoothie Challenge. It sounded pretty cool, but I hadn't really gotten into it. Too busy I guess. (which I realize is a lame excuse) The whole raw food thing is very interesting, but I don't know how well I could commit to something like that, though I think I may use bits and pieces of it. But I've been thinking more and more about the green smoothie thing, and it culminated in the results post of the challenge. I think it could be good, and I love smoothies. So, while I won't be participating in the actual challenge, I can have my own personal challenge. There are some recipes provided on the original challenge post, and of course, Google runs the world. So I think I'll give it a shot. I have been trying to live a healthier life. I've started playing tennis (which, incidentally, helped bring me and the bf closer together and probably had a role in our getting together when we did) I'm still struggling to get back those beautiful abs I had back when I didn't care enough to realize the crunches game I played was actually quite beneficial. I half-heartedly did the South Beach thing again when I moved into my new apartment, but with 3 weekends in a row home, I wasn't too strict. Granted, the good results of that are I really have cut back on the bad carbs. Haha, reading all this I realize I sound like a nut, but I'm really not. Sure, I've put on 10-15 lbs I could stand to lose, but I'm not unhappy with my weight, just higher than I'm used to. See, as always, I did things differently than the rest of the crowd-I got the freshman 15 AFTER I graduated. But with tennis a few times a week, and more long walks with B, I'm at least getting the whole regular exercise thing under control. Add in daily ab work along with my old trusty physical therapy leg exercises, daily stretching and some basic 5 lb hand weight arm exercises, I should be pretty good to go...so long as I keep on it. That's where I always lose it, in the long term part. But hopefully I'll be able to stick with it. Maybe shed those extra pounds I've managed to pick up, but mostly just be healthier. And honestly, I'm one of those people where as long as my abs are okay (which at the moment, they're only so-so), I really don't care what the scale says. I just figure I should get my health habits under control now...it'll be a lot less work to establish them now than if I wait until later. Right?
So this loooong roundabout to say, I think I'm going to institute this green smoothie thing into my daily diet. One a day (at least) Already have some recipes to try, maybe I'll get a few more from B, because she's been doing the green smoothie thing for a few weeks.

And as always, my picture with the post. I struggled choosing between a few photos, I tried to come up with something that made sense with the green smoothie topic. Unfortunately, my pictures of the produce from one of the Farmer's Market Sundays are no longer on my work computer, and I'm posting this now. So instead I settled for a beach picture from my cousin's visit. Not exactly edible, but natural all the same. I was fascinated by the rippling effects in the water as the tide fluctuated that afternoon, it was really neat to photograph. I am SO looking forward to summer. It's going to be a blast, I can't wait. :)

Picture specs:
~taken March 30, 2008
~setting: landscape, flash did not fire