Mending Fences

For such a positive, happy person, I sometimes forget just how important a can-do attitude and a little determination can be, and consequently am sometimes astonished by the results. I by no means have corrected the effects of neglecting my friends, but a little outreach filled with love has gone a long way in less than a day. I'm already working to make plans and make sure that I don't neglect anyone anymore. The bf and I had a great talk this morning about all of it. He's really happy that, unlike last time I decided my life needed to be balanced, this time I talked to him about it first and explained how I was feeling and what I was thinking to do. (thereby avoiding the mess that nearly broke us up during our third month...I'm sure many of you remember those whiny posts) I still need to be sure to not neglect him either, but work more for the balance.
I have a phone date with a friend on Sunday, and I'm visiting an old friend on Monday who happens to be a priest (interesting story, but that is a blog post unto itself)
I'm also taking the Sultan's Daughter's advice to actually call my friends, because they do care and they do miss me. Somehow, somewhere in there I'd gotten convinced that I wasn't missed and that they didn't care. Crazy, right? She was certain to point that out to me last night. It was really due to a simple im message from her a few days ago that kicked my butt and brought me back to reality, gave me the energy that I needed to right things. And I'm happy about it.

I'm making it sound like everything's better already, and it's on it's way, but still a work in progress, and it's far from being perfect. I'd talked to Bee earlier in the week about maybe taking Friday as a movie/art project evening. She hadn't sounded overly enthused or entirely free. I'm not sure if we talked about it more than once (I think we did). But from the vibes I got, I figured we weren't doing anything tonight. So I accepted the dinner invite from the bf's parents this morning. Only to get a text around 6 or so asking if I wanted to do dinner since I'd mentioned maybe being free. I felt awful. I don't think I did anything wrong, but after the conversation we had last night, and with everything I'm trying to work on, it was kinda like, duh stupid. But like I said, it's a work in progress, and I've only just begun. I just have to show her through actions that I'm making a sincere effort to balance and not neglect anyone. It's only a matter of time.

Before I close tonight and get some much needed sleep, I have a prayer request that nearly breaks my heart, especially because I just found out about it. (what can you expect when you go mia for so long) But the Sultan's Daughter's father is more or less dying from lung cancer. It's a very hard and painful situation that I know I only begin to understand on the surface. But if you all wouldn't mind keeping all of her family in your prayers, it would mean a lot to me. I was so glad she told me, but also shocked because I didn't know what to say. So I'm going to pray the rosary, for her father. The rosary helps me focus, especially when my mind just won't seem to shut itself up.

Double Life

Sometimes I feel like I live a double life. In one there I am the girlfriend. In the other I am the friend. And lately? I've been living almost exclusively in the girlfriend side of my double life. Which leaves the other side withering and dying, which is not cool.
But tonight I start to question and wonder why there has to be a double life, a double identity. Who said that I had to start a split life that never quite seems to mesh? Who is living my life, me or the people I'm trying to please? Well, as of right now, it's me. I am determined to nurse my ailing friendships that have gotten pushed to the side in favor of the girlfriend side of me. And I'm determined to keep the girlfriend side healthy and strong, but who said I have to choose one over the other? When did I stop living my own life and making my own decisions? It happened so subtly I didn't even notice it.
Well, as of right now, the double life no longer exists. They are merged. And whoever can't handle it or doesn't like it can get the hell out of my life. (yes, I admit that's a bit drastic and probably not true, but, it's nearly midnight and I'm still awake, please indulge the momentary drama) I'm going to start balancing my friendships and my relationship before my friendships disappear from lack of nurturing, and without withering my relationship. All it takes is a little bit of balance. And I have the determination to do it. All it took was the realization (thanks to a well worded im and subsequent conversation with the Sultan's daughter and a separate conversation with Bee) to realize that I am missed and that they care. I know, the Sultan's daughter was way shocked when I admitted that I had somehow convinced myself that I wasn't missed and wasn't needed. I see now how silly that is. And now more than ever I realize what wonderful, beautiful friends I have.
From now on the only double life I'll ever lead is that of a double agent (but don't worry, I doubt I'll ever be Sidney Bristow)

**disclaimer-the double life reference is figurative, not literal. I'm still the same me, I just feel like there are unnecessary and unhealthy splits on my focus and attention...hopefully that makes sense. It's late and I'm tired.

Morning update: Had a great talk with the bf, and he's on the same page. He understands how I'm feeling, and while he's protective of me in terms of completely blaming myself, he understands. I'm very hopeful, and already taking steps to equal things out and merge those two sides so they aren't at odds with each other.

Meeting Yourself

I've determined that my thoughts flow best at night. I'm not entirely certain if this is because it's calm and quiet under the cover of darkness, or if the end of the day tired removes the writer's block and hesitancies that that so often plague my words. That being said, I just completely lost my train of thought...

Oh there it went. You were all incredibly supportive during the roller coaster ride that defined the third month of my relationship, and for that I am extremely grateful. I know that I haven't said much after the fact (mostly because even I got tired of listening to me whine), but I can confidently say that those were growing pains...and we weathered them out. You know that old cliche where it's not the other person it's you, but when it's said we all know it really is the other person? Well in this case, the majority of it really was me. Looking back now, I can see things much more clearly. Sure the bf played his own part...but I hate to admit that I maybe provoked the reactions I got with the behavior I displayed. It's been a definite learning process. Making the decision to let go and trust someone to catch you is easily made. Doing so easily? Doesn't always follow like that. But I'm learning, and growing...and we can both feel the positive outcomes of all of our growing.

It's interesting how much you learn about yourself in a relationship. I've always maintained that it's important to know who you are just as you before you can even think about figuring out and defining you + someone else. But now, I think that's only part of it. Knowing yourself is still critical...but I'm learning more and more that learning who you are when you're with someone else? That's pretty important too. Without that you are very one-sided, and that's the opposite of well roundedness. You have to know yourself alone and in other interpersonal relationships. And it takes a lot of patience and understanding and maybe a flared temper or two, but in the end? It can be prove to be completely worth it. I definitely think this one has been worth it.

Late Night Thoughts

I'm sure anyone who comes across my blog or has read any of it in the past 3 weeks is sick of hearing of the in and out, up and down drama that's been going on with the bf. There were several "talks" after which we were "okay". Finally had a good one Monday that seemed to really actually resolve things. Well, we've had another one tonight. I'm quite impressed with how quickly we went down and up on this one. Less than a day, rather than 2 weeks. That's improvement, right? I mean, it sucks that any of the drama is happening. When it boils down to it? This is the part of the relationship where our differences are being made clear, and we're learning how to work with them. Unfortunately we both still have a lot of growing up to do, albeit in different facets of our life. My growing up very much centralizes in terms of actually being in a relationship, while his tend to gear towards healthy ways of dealing with stress and controlling his mind. (which, in the context of our conversations makes way more sense than I'm sure it does at this moment here in my blog) Of course, the fact that we are both incredibly stubborn individuals does nothing to aid the situation. As my mother so gently put it this morning, we're having a territorial pissing contest. Sad thing is, she's not wrong. But we've definitely made progress in being able to talk about things and figure things out. And yes, it's going to take time, and sometimes it's a little discouraging. But I have hope, and that's a very powerful thing.

I'm learning that compromise doesn't mean I've lost my independence. I'm also learning that sometimes it's necessary to reign in that independent me just slightly so that it doesn't completely walk over people. It's like civil liberties, they only extend so far as they don't encroach on another person's rights. (yeah yeah, not the exact wording, but close enough) My independence is fine so long as it doesn't completely submarine someone else's right to independence or happiness. The trick is in finding the balance. My goal is to try and temper my reactions to things that trigger that stubborn independent side of me. This is really important because the bf? Words aren't his strongest suit, and he doesn't always say things right. He's trying, but definitely still learning. So, while he learns how to use words effectively and appropriately, I'll be working on turning my instant independent reactions to things into questions saying, "hey what did you mean by that?" or, "hey, that kind of triggered the independent streak, what did you really mean?". I'll admit, I'm rather protective of my independence, and it's tough going learning how to balance that with being in a relationship. This is all a complete learning curve for me. But I'm heartened by our ability to talk and explain things. It's a process, but I think it's worth it. We also both need to not jump to conclusions or assume things that are not said. That gets us into more trouble than anything else I think. Again with this whole growing up thing. To quote Meredith Grey, "We're adults. When did that happen, and how do we make it stop?" I mean seriously.

I will eventually get the hang of this, right? I'm not a completely hopeless case? I mean, bottom line, when it comes down to it, I'm head over heals for the bf. Which is why all this drama hurts us both so much. But, we're doing okay, and we're getting better. Just learning how this all works and how we work, both as individuals and as a couple. Wow, those are all like, really grown up things that I never really expected to come out of my mouth (or in this case, my fingers)

PhotoStory Friday: Fireworks

Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

"Fireworks"

One of the pictures I took during the fireworks after a great Padres game with the bf and his parents. It was a good game, even though they lost. And besides, the evening ended with fireworks, so it couldn't be a total loss. Plus, I love baseball, I love going to the stadium. Unless it's the World Series, I'm not a fan of baseball on tv. I'd rather be there in person, it's exciting.

And for those of you keeping track, and leaving me such wonderful supportive comments, the bf and I had our talk this afternoon. It was not fun, far from it in fact. But the long and the short of it is, he's not a huge fan of it and it's not easy for him, but he's willing to slow down, to give me the time I need. He said he'd do anything because he loves me more than anything in the world. Doesn't make it easy, but it says a lot that he's even willing to try. Things will be awkward for a little while, I understand that. But I hope they'll be right soon enough. Thank you all for all of your support and encouragement, it really helped me deal with all of this. I hope you all have a wonderful Friday and a fabulous weekend!


Today's post is inspired by the lovely ladies in the link below. Come play PSF with us, it's fun!

Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

What I Want

There I was, walking with purpose across the grass, trying to reach this tall, white columned building. But the building was under construction, and it took some convincing to let me go near it. I had to balance my way across the wooden boards over the trench like openings to get to the stairs. Somewhere along the way I'd run into the bf, who was carrying my overflowing bag and my purchases from Target. (purchases mind you, that I'd barely gotten because somehow I lost track of time and had been in their fifteen minutes after they closed) We finally made it to the entrance and went up the narrow stairwell. At the top we turned to the right, working our way past numbered doors, everything looked very old, like an old hotel almost. I checked my cell phone to see what office to go into. I selected the door, and went in. Only it didn't look like where I was supposed to be. It was a crowded, dilapidated room with creaky, dusty wooden floor boards. Screens hanging from the ceiling created individual spaces where small children were practicing instruments. My eyes locked on a child with a flute, then another with some other instrument, maybe a clarinet, I don't remember. I was in the wrong place. I retreated back to the hallway, the bf still in tow. I must have gotten it wrong somehow. I called him, to find out if I'd gotten the number wrong somehow. His assistant met me at the door down the opposite end of the hallway. It was much brighter over here. The bf stayed outside, in the waiting area I assume, as I entered. I went into the back, and was surprised to see my friend M from work. He's one of our top techs here, and we poke at each other but do get along, especially when it comes to the technical parts of our jobs. M stayed as the counselor directed me to a chair, himself kicking back on a sophisticated looking bed. My friend M was in a chair on the opposite side of the room. The counselor began asking questions, though I don't remember what they were, and I can't remember what I said.

And then I woke up. It was quite seriously one of the oddest dreams I've had and actually remembered. I'm not one for reading particular significance and signs into dreams, but the timing of this one is very interesting. The counselor part may have been influenced by me staying up till midnight reading The Five Love Languages for Singles. (it made more sense to be reading that one rather than the one for marriages...which was the one I bought initially) Prior to beginning the book, I spent a while writing down things that have been brought up in the last week or two that need to be addressed when the bf and I talk later today. And I wrote down how I was feeling (more for me to help consolidate my thoughts so I can be coherent and understandable when we talk). The biggest realization through all this that I made, is that I'm not ready to be in this serious of a relationship. We haven't even been dating for four months, and we're talking about marriage and it's sort of become this big end goal. I mean, half the time we act like we're already married. And I simply am not ready to be that serious yet. And I got carried away at the beginning, I jumped in head over heels and got swept away, and am only now beginning to surface and figure things out. Truthfully, this is the longest, most significant relationship I've ever had. Really, comparatively, it's the only one I've ever really had. So this is all new and unfortunately I'm not going to get it all right on the first try. And hopefully, the bf will be willing to wait for me. Right now I just want to have a fun dating relationship, I don't want to already be considered a unit, I don't want to handle schedules for two, because honestly, we're not married yet. I don't want to spend 24/7 with him, it's just too serious, too fast. And don't worry, once I know what I want (or in this case don't want), I'm very open and honest and forward about relating that. I'll be nice and calm and use all the appropriate "I" statements, but I won't lie later when we talk about everything. And all I can do is hope for the best and hope for understanding, and I'll in turn understand if he can't wait and give me patience.

Things are not yet resolved, but will be later today, one way or another. And I have to admit, that despite this pending conversation, I feel lighter than I have in weeks. I finally know what I want, and what I don't. It's a relieving and freeing feeling.

The Downside of Growing Up

I've been struggling with writing. I don't know what to write, I don't know what to say. I want so badly to bare my soul and ask for advice, for the collective wisdom of those of you kind souls who take the time to read these little pieces of my life. I feel deceitful if I just post about any old thing, when there are really bigger, more serious things on my mind. But it's not just about me, and I don't know how much to say, don't know how to ask for advice if I can't share the whole story. It's not just my own soul I'd be baring, and I don't have permission to do that.

I mentioned in my last post that the bf and I had a rough week but that I thought we were past it. But we're not. And I'm trying very hard to deal with it. Some things have been blown out of proportion, other things have built up silently over time, a lot of it has to do with us having completely different views on things. My mom calls them love languages. I actually just got off the phone with my mom, we talked about some of what was going on (she knew something was up even before I admitted it). She recommended that I get a copy of The 5 Love Languages, she said I'd be surprised by how much they apply, and it would help with understanding. I'm planning to try to get a copy tomorrow at the library on my way home.

Part of it is that we react to things differently, in addition to having different points of view. And it sucks. I am a very independent person, and I'm incredibly stubborn. The bf is almost as stubborn as I am, so of course we're making this really suck.

And quite honestly, I'm scared. This is my first big, real, serious, significant relationship. This is the first time I've managed to stay any significant amount of time without getting skittish. It's a big step for me. And when the bf was gone and I was home sick with mono, I had time to think. And I realized how scared I was, because I was so attached. I am so attached. And that makes me vulnerable, and that's new for me. And I don't necessarily know how to deal with that. And I pulled back a little bit, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, I mean, we haven't even been dating for four months. We've already talked about getting married. And I love him. But I've been realizing more and more that I don't want to rush it. I want to take my time and enjoy the journey. And that means taking it slow. But I know that me not actually verbalizing my feelings (partly because it wasn't an entirely conscious process) just left the bf wondering what was going on. It's just like we're stuck on this wheel, like a hamster getting dizzy, feeding off of each other and blowing things out of proportion and going back and forth and being stubborn.
And we want different things. In such situations I've learned that the bf wants to be holdy and huggy and kissy, and for me, I can't do that. Which is another source of frustration and conflict. (love languages, I really need to read that) But for me, being held when I'm in such a place is confining and caging and it just makes it worse. After things are resolved, it's then that I want to be held. Anything before resolution is just a bandaid for me.

I just don't know what to do. I'm trying to do some reflection and thought, processing things that were said and brought up today. Ultimately I know that we have to (calmly) see where we stand, and if there is a happy middle. And it hurts to think that maybe we won't find that. I love him, more than anything. But I also know that learning these sorts of things is the main purpose of dating. It's testing the waters for compatibility. And sure, not everything will be perfect, but we have to learn if they are imperfections we can live with, or if it's simply not meant to be. It all makes me tired, and I just want it to be over now. I hope that we will talk in the next few days and figure it out (hinging on me being ready) See, I'm not the kind of person you want to react instantly and passionately in the heat of the moment. I'm generally a very calm, rational person. But often times I need to take a step back to evaluate and process before addressing something, and I know the bf doesn't like that wait. I agree that it sucks. But if I had responded to the issues brought up this afternoon in our im chat (yeah, we shouldn't have these conversations on im when we're at work...we're dumb like that...it's hard not to talk about it) if I had responded in the moment to these things, there is a VERY good chance that everything would have ended in that chat window. It may suck to wait, but it's much better than the alternative.

So I just don't know. How far do you compromise? Where do you find the middle ground? When is it too far gone to save? (I don't think we're there though) How much do you give in? These are things I don't know, and I'm learning. This is all very new for me, and unfortunately the bf is subject to experiencing my trial and error, it's a learning process. I just hope it's a learning process we make it through. I don't know. This is not fun. Can I please skip this part of growing up?

L-O-V-E

Because Converse Mama asked SO sweetly (and because I promised)...

I'm in love. Haha, makes me giggly just to write it...that's the first time I've "said" that. I've known for a while now, but I hadn't said it. I had a talk with Jasa about it several weeks ago, because honestly, this is all new to me. We talked about timing and right-ness. He left me with the thought that the next time I felt like saying it, to just say it. (of course in person and not on im or in a text) The opportunity presented itself within an hour of that conversation, but it's like I lost my voice each time I tried to say those three little words, they just seemed to catch in my throat. And so time continued, those three words continued to lodge themselves in the back of my throat.

I was pretty sure I loved him relatively early on, but I wasn't sure how to be sure. I tend to love fairly easily, as a friend, and to think about it, I don't think I've ever really been in love before, only crushing...so this was all fairly new. And "I love you" is kind of a big deal, and you can't take it back. I just needed to be sure. I can't tell you exactly when I was 100% certain, I just knew.
Fast forward to last Friday. Our drive up to my aunt's on our way to my house started almost unpleasantly. The bf was frustrated because he wanted everything to be perfect for my family, and we were running later than I had said I wanted to (this was actually my fault) I'd been feeling like I was frustrating him a lot lately, and this just made it worse. I got very, very quiet. (which, if you know me, is a very rare occurrence, usually the result of getting distracted and lost within my overfull, racing mind) See, I don't have the greatest track record when it comes to relationships. And I was so (still sort of am) so scared of screwing this up. It was really bothering me, because I really, truly cared if I messed it up. I love him and it scared me that I thought I was going to screw it up. The bf reads me really well, and knew something was up, but I was in one of those places where I just couldn't find my voice. I lifted the center console in the truck and slid over to be right next to him and just laid my head on his shoulder and held onto him for a while. After a bit I found my voice and told him how I'd been feeling, and he reassured me that everything was fine, and he was not and had never been upset with me or frustrated by me. And he assured me that there was nothing I could do to make him go away. I could have kissed him right then...actually, I'm fairly certain I did. I knew that I had to tell him. I mean, I was sure he knew, but I HAD to say it.

And again the words caught in my throat. Stupid words must have barbs on them or something, seriously. A short while later my good mood returned (I'm telling you, I am one of the happiest people you will ever meet, my rare bad moods never last long) We were singing and listening to one of the playlists I'd made earlier that afternoon on his ipod. came on. It's one of my favorite songs, and it was the song we had been listening to, and the first thing the bf heard after he left after we kissed the first time and admitted our feelings for each other. And yes, I am now officially the princess of cheesy-ness. I knew that I needed to be the one to say those words first, because he was worried about scaring me or making me skittish (me and my track record, seriously) I also knew that I couldn't just blurt the words out, they literally would not come out of my mouth. So, following the first line of the chorus (you know the one, "I love you baby...") I quietly said "I do, you know". He asked "do what?" And of course, I replied with "love you". He of course told me he loved me.

To add to the humor, shortly after, I said something about knowing I had to say it first, and he said "you still haven't said it". I was SO confused. He'd gotten so flustered at hearing it, he didn't hear the first part of what I'd said, and had changed it in his mind to me asking if he loved me. D'oh! It definitely made the moment memorable, we both couldn't stop laughing. I was grinning like an idiot the rest of the night...in fact, I still sort of am. My cousin and I nearly burst when I told her at my aunt's. My family really likes him and have really accepted him into our circle, and his parents and friends really like me too. It just works. The whole things just feels right, like it's meant to be. We fit.

I'm his princess, always and forever. That's what he says. And he said I could keep him, always and forever. And that makes me subliminally happy. I have the bestest boyfriend in the world. And I love him. And I love that I can say that. And now that I am grinning like a lunatic, I'm going to head to bed. Sorry that post went SO long...I need to learn the beauty of brevity...but perhaps I'll try that out on a post NOT about being in love. Hehe, in love. Me. :)
It's an older picture, taken on our poppy excursion only a few days after we started dating. We took a picture because of the massive size difference between his truck and that little Prius. I thought it was appropriate that since the cab of his truck was where we first said I love you, that the photo for this post be of his truck. (this is the only one I currently have) I love my bf, and his truck. Haha. I hope everyone has a wonderful evening, and I wish you all a beautiful Friday!