Crossroads to the Front Row

Choices. We all make them, every single day. Some are as mundane as what shirt will I wear today or what should I make for breakfast. Others choices have greater impact on our lives and the direction in which we are headed. We come across many crossroads and paths throughout our lives and we must choose which direction to follow. Some decisions are easy, others take a while to think about and weigh the options. Regardless, once the choice is made, we set off in our chosen direction and the alternate route is closed off, at least from that particular point of entrance.

Sometimes I wonder about the choices that we make to bring us to where we are today. My musings generally have to do with choices that were outside of my control. Typically, this is in the form of nostalgia. Imagine your closest friend. The one with whom you can share everything in complete honesty without worry of judgment. Someone who shares your joy and your pain, your ups and your downs. Someone who shares your faith and in who you see God. Now multiply that by 6. That was my family the last year or so of college. We were the closest of friends. It's difficult to describe such a deep friendship, such an amazing dynamic, unless you've experienced it. There is truly nothing like it. I cherished it and reveled in it until the end. I'll never understand why we were ripped apart through petty jealousy and stupid hormones. But we were. Fractured and splintered, small pieces of what once was. I can't say that I am sad, because I am blessed to have known such friendship and love for the time in which it was mine. It has changed me for the better.

There was another group of friends very similar to ours. We were all friends, sort of an extended family. But there were two cores. Mine split apart. The other, the one that I started out being a part of freshman year, has stayed strong. I am so thankful for that, that they have managed to overcome everything and remain strong. It is a true blessing. I don't go on Facebook much these days, I got over it after we spent countless hours on it when it first came out as a college network. (and that was before apps and the other gadgets and games it now boasts) I have pictures from my core, from the good times, the memories. And I love them. Sometimes it hurts, but I can still think of the good times fondly. The beautiful pictures of new encounters and adventures amongst the other core of friends, the ones still intact and strong, makes me smile while simultaneously pulling at my heart strings. Bittersweet. Nostalgia. Communication amongst old friends is an interesting thing. Interesting to see which communications people work to renew, choose to keep, allow to dwindle, or which they seemingly refuse to acknowledge.

I have been blessed to have many friends over the years. I have many acquaintance with whom I love to meet. While on occasion there have been larger groups, I have always had a small circle of truly intimate friends. I get along with many people, quite happily so, but have always seemed to keep a smaller circle of those closest to me. It's not intentional or by design, it just how it seems to work out. And, truth be told, I am happy. I deeply cherish those I hold closest. Quality, not quantity, is what fills my life and warms my heart. I would rather have one very dear friend than 100 mild acquaintances. But sometimes I see friends who have many, many close friends (or what appear to be close friends) and I wonder if I've done something wrong. It leads me to the what ifs, a game which I but rarely indulge, for it is typically without purpose. In discussing certain wedding plans, there are quite a number of close friends of both myself and fiance who will be invited. But I have noticed that I have only a few friends from high school and college with whom I am truly close and have invited. I see others who have dozens of friends from these chapters of their lives and I wonder if maybe I'm wrong somehow...or maybe they just function differently than I do.

I believe that God brings people into our lives when we need them or when they need us. Everyone has something to share, something to teach us. If we are smart we will embrace these opportunities as often as we can. People pass in and out of each others lives, leaving their footprints behind as a mark. And from these people, the few, true souls we are meant to share our lives with, remain with us. That is not to say that some people are bad or unimportant, just that everyone has those people with whom they are meant to develop deep and meaningful relationships. By definition such friendships cannot exist with everyone. It would diminish their importance and purpose. Someone once described our lives as a theatrical production in which we get to fill the audience. We get to choose who is in the front row of our lives, who is in the back, and who isn't even inside the theatre. It's quite an interesting concept, one which I have thought about on many an occasion. The front row cannot hold an infinite number of people, nor should it. Some seats rotate, others remain constant, yet others may still be open waiting to be filled. No ones front row has the same number of seats. After all, each life is as unique as a snowflake, thus the architecture of our personal theatre is unique in its style and design. Relationships are not perfect, life would be boring if they were. These front row relationships are the most important in my life. I know who is in my front row. Who is in yours?

Insomnia of a Busy Mind

Why is it that of all the bf's habits, I had to choose to start imitating his inability to sleep? Seriously, it's annoying...particularly when I'm exhausted. So rather than lay in bed for another hour, waiting for my mind to finally shut up, I ended up here. (I still have a laptop from work, so this is actually convenient...I'm in bed typing. I like this)

Falling asleep this week has kind of sucked. Honestly? I think I'm still a little hyped up from my amazing weekend singing backup for Carole King. It was an amazing experience, but it's brought out a bit of wistfulness and memories of old dreams...that apparently weren't as put away as I thought. See, when I was younger, I REALLY wanted to act. Like, really. Nothing major ever really came out of it...I think high school distracted me. But being there on the stage and backstage brought those desires to the front of my mind, wondering how I would do it, if it's too late to start, if it's really even something I still want to do, or if I was just swept up in the excitement of the weekend. I know I probably sound ridiculous, I mean, who hasn't dreamed of being a movie star at least once in their life? My friends and I used to have entire make-believe games of such things. They were lots of fun. I got a call back from a modeling place we had gone probably my senior year of high school...the call was at the beginning of my senior year of college. My mom passed me the message...I never did call back. I was too busy to even think about it. As a believer (and getting stronger) in the sometimes annoying cliche that "everything happens for a reason", I'm trying not to let myself play that "what if game". It's a dangerous, maddening game that I happen to be all too good at playing, and thus rarely allow myself the indulgence. The results are never pretty.

Along the lines of things happening for a reason, how do you find the balance between letting go and trusting God's plan, and taking charge and doing what you're supposed to do? This was a question that came up in our women's book group in the past weeks. It's something we have revisited several times. As a person who likes to be in control of my life and as many of the variables as possible, where do I need to step back and just let go. Relinquish that control and trust that God will take care of things? I always run into the problem of wondering if I'm doing my part, if I'm doing enough. Because you can't just sit back in your lounge chair all day and say, oh, well, I don't need to get up and go to work because I trust that God is going to take care of me and provide for me. You have to do your fair share. But sometimes, often times, as humans, we tend to overstep our fair share and try to control EVERYTHING. We also have the habit of Indian giving, where we will relinquish our problems to God, only to take them back. There is a quote in the book we're reading, I can't remember it exactly, but the the basic idea is something like, oh here God, here's this problem...I'm not exactly sure how I ended up with it again, but here you are, I'm giving it back to you. And of course when we were discussing this passage Monday night, I had this amusing image of the dialogue played out, and God just sitting there chuckling with a bemused smile as we YET AGAIN give back something that should have remained in His hands to begin with. What can I say, we're fallible creatures prone to making mistakes. But mistakes don't always have to be bad, as long as we learn and grow from them.

Bet that sounded an awful lot like a tangent. (well, it kind of was...but it was partly related...there was a logical thought process somewhere in this tired brain of mine that got me there) So back to that whole acting business. Did I miss my shot? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe I missed A shot. Is it something I even really want to do? Or am I being temporarily seduced by the lingering performance pheremones shooting around behind and on stage this weekend? Who knows. But what I have chosen to do (and now just need my mind to follow suit), is to trust that I am on the right path for me, whatever that may be. If I'm meant to become a famous actor or model...then I'll get there, something will lead me there. This of course could lead to a discussion about divine plan versus free will and the balance of the two. But that's an entire post unto itself. I won't suffer you to make this one any longer than it already is. I didn't set out to write a chapter tonight. But perhaps it was the exact outlet that my mind needed to calm down and settle for the night so that I can get some sleep.