Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Thought for thought

I think. A lot. You might accuse me of overthinking. (trust me, I have been accused of this before...rightly so) It has its benefits, sometimes it's a good thing, other times it gets in the way and causes more harm than good. Regardless, it makes my head a crowded place to reside sometimes. Talking helps, on occasion. Writing is my outlet, whether it's online or in my paper journals (which have actually seen the light of...my bedside lamp...the past few days), writing is a release. Sometimes just the act of getting my thoughts from inside my mind to outside of it on paper, releases some of the pressure of these bits of ideas and images racing around inside my brain like superheated particles crashing into one another. I need to remember to make time to allow myself this outlet. (it helps to keep the pressure out of my head) Time shouldn't be an issue, as I was recently reminded in a daily quote email:

"Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein." -H. Jackson Brown

Pretty smart if you ask me, and makes you stop and think a bit, about the concept of time. There is so much and so little of it. (I swear that's a quote from a movie, but I cannot remember which one or who said it...I'm thinking something epic, like Galadriel in Lord of the Rings, but I can't remember...it's not important) We are only as busy as we choose to be. We make time for the times we choose. If we really, truly and deeply want to do something, we are more than capable of making it happen. Being busy is only a temporary excuse, if it can be considered one at all. Good excuse, I mean. It's always invoked as an excuse, but rarely justified. Not really.
It's been nearly a year since I graduated. So many things have happened since then. I have grown so much, learned and become more of who I am. Nearly a year ago I watched as my secure little world crashed down around my feet, and I was powerless to stop it, as I watched my dearest friends hurt one another. Betrayals and distrust, conclusions ill gotten and refusal to forgive. I've retreated into myself as I do on occasion when life gets too much to deal with (though I rarely realize it at the time). I just (literally, like 2 seconds ago) realized that it's probably my way of controlling the uncontrollable. Unfortunately this results in me missing out on lots of things...something I may or may not get to later, but is definitely strong amongst the thoughts swirling through my head. I've re-emerged from that sheltered place, and I've grown. I've learned, taught, failed and continued. I've grown closer to my family, made new friendships, welcomed a beautiful, new little family member, grown up some. I've watched as some friends made their own sort of peace and forgiveness, while others continued to hurt. I have a boyfriend who is absolutely amazing--we'll be officially 1 month tomorrow. He has something up his sleeve for Friday night, my cousin has been teasing me because she knows what he has planned. I'm excited, and I am so incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful guy in my life.
I've found myself lost in thought today. (no, really?) I don't know what sparked it, probably not entirely unrelated to hormones and such, but I have this tendency of following one thought and running into a snow storm of others, dragging me into an odd, pensive sort of mood. I know that earlier when I started to write, it was originally going to be about writing. Ah, there I was. I've found my train of thought again. It was just sitting by the stream having a picnic while I tried to find it, sitting in plain view. As some of you may know from earlier posts, I began the writing thing really with my LiveJournal. My friend B got me into that. Really, I was thinking about it on my way home tonight, she has inspired me to so much, and continues to inspire me. But that's a train of thought to fill an entire post unto itself. (and will most likely find its way into a paper journal) Both of our LiveJournals have been friends locked for some time now, for various reasons. I honestly haven't posted there in months. B recently linked me to a new "public" blog she had started over on another site. This was several weeks after I'd begun my blog here. I enjoy reading her stuff, I always have. But, surprisingly, I did not link her here, or even tell her of this blog's existence. I hesitated, and I'm not entirely sure why. I've been thinking that it's a little silly to have a blog that none of my "real life" friends (and I use that with quotes because in no way do I mean to put down any of you who read and comment on my blog, you are all absolutely wonderful and I am so grateful for your kindness and comments, and I love reading your blogs in turn, you all make me smile) ...looking for my train of thought....ah yes. But to not have any of those people know about my blog. And I have tried to think of why, exactly. And I've come up with several answers, the main of which, I don't think I was/am ready. There is a certain freedom and release in writing when you are writing more or less anonymously, in a way. Not sure if that makes sense. Looking back, I feel as if knowing certain people were reading my journal, made me write differently than I might have otherwise. Not necessarily content-wise, well, sort of. I feel like I write more freely and without fear of judgment or scrutiny here than I ever did on my LiveJournal. Not to say that my friends would judge or anything. I'm sorry, I seem to be talking in twists. (you should see how crazy it is here in my head-seriously) But then I read your blogs, and I see the comments from friends both "real life" and from the blogosphere, and I wonder why I haven't shared my blog with my friends. I feel like I'm hoarding it like a treasure or something (so long as I don't start calling it the precious or anything I think I'm okay...) (apologies for the consistently obscure Lord of the Rings references) Basically, I'm sitting here debating sharing this with my friends. Will that change the appeal of my blog? Will it change the way I write? I don't know. If any of you wonderful readers have any suggestions or stories or advice, I would love to hear them.
The other subject that is the root of many of my other thought wanderings lately, are my friendships, two in particular. My job kept me busy last summer, along with the whole little withdrawal from all that drama, and I missed a lot. And it bothers me. Not that there are things, jokes and memories and such that I'm not a part of, because that's fine. It bothers me that I let myself check out for so long. I missed so much, and yes, we are all still friends and I see them way more than I did, but, I feel like a very, very bad friend. I checked out when they probably could have used me most. I have always taken pride in my friendship, and I failed them. I am SO incredibly thankful that they had each other when I was awol. And I know that B has forgiven me for it. I think L has too, but I can't remember if we've had a specific conversation where I apologized. Maybe I should double check that we've had that. But I realized that the reason it hurts so much, is because I haven't forgiven myself. And they give me a hard time about it once in a while, and I completely deserve it. L made a subtle reference to it tonight at rehearsal. I said something about getting together to practice something or other, and she said something like, yeah right or something equally pointed about me screwing up. And it was absolutely deserved. But deserved or not, it hurts. Each and every little reference, in jest or not, tears at my soul and breaks my heart. I know it's not intended that way, but it hurts because it's justified and it's true. I was around, but I wasn't really there. And I just haven't been able to forgive myself for it yet. Maybe when I've made significant progress in repairing, rebuilding and strengthening these relationships, maybe. I want so badly to make things better. As you all know well, I cherish my "me time", and there are occasions where I would honestly just rather sit at home than do anything. And it's hard, because I still miss out on stuff because of it sometimes. It's a constant battle with myself to go out of my way and put myself out there. I miss where these friendships were. They're still good friendships, but they're not the same. They're not bad, I just know that they can be even better. And I know that I can't just flip a switch and suddenly make things back to "normal". It takes effort, and time, and I'm trying. I'm just afraid that I'm not succeeding. And the thought is wearying. I feel like Tarah in season 6 of Buffy, where she comes back to Willow and:

Tara: Things fall apart. They fall apart so hard.
Willow: Tara?
Tara: You can't ever...put them back the way they were.
Willow: Are you okay?
Tara: I'm sorry, it's just...you know, it takes time. You can't just...have coffee and expect-
Willow: I know.
Tara: There's so much to work through. Trust has to be built again, on both sides...you have to learn if we're even the same people we were, if we can fit in each other's lives. It's a long, important process, and...can we just skip it? Can-can you just be kissing me now?

...you know, minus the whole lover's thing and kissing, and whatnot. But the sentiment. I'm just tired. And I feel like my efforts get nowhere. For every step forward, I take 2 back. It's frustrating, and it feels like it's just, not enough or something. And I realize that I'll probably feel much better about this in the light of day when I'm not so tired. But still. I just realized that I'm making this sound like B and L aren't my friends or something. They are, most definitely. I just want to be THERE more. It's my fault things got messed up in the first place. I'm just trying to revisit connections, get things back on track, if that makes sense. And I know that things are never exactly the same, but can always be better. It's just that sometimes it seems like such an
uphill climb, and makes me tired. But these two beautiful women are worth it, they are worth everything. I just want to make things right. And maybe eventually forgive myself for peacing out when I should have been more present than ever.
Wow
, I just went off on a complete stream of consciousness there. Dang, way to ramble. See? I told you my mind is a busy place these days. You should see all the OTHER thoughts and details jetting around my mind. You could get lost in there. (that is, assuming you didn't get lost in that ramble up there and didn't even get to this point!) Apologies, I didn't mean to be so wordy. I promise to have a happier post tomorrow.
Today's pictures are two of my favorites. They are from a trip to the pier with B and L to take sunset pictures. The top is one I took of them before climbing up to join them on the beams underneath the pier. (and no, we weren't supposed to be climbing, but it made for some fun pictures) This bottom one is of both of them on the wet sand, silhouetted against the ocean sunset. This was a good day. This is what I miss. I get glimpses of it every now and then, I guess I'm wishing and working for consistency and complete ease. If that makes sense. My head doesn't entirely make sense at the moment, so who knows if the words coming out of it are even in English. (well, I know they're in English because my French is NOT good enough to write this much without tearing my hair out, and aside from pig Latin, it's the only other language I know more than 3 words of!)

Photo specs: (top)
~taken February 5, 2007
~setting: portrait, flash did not fire; photo effect: b&w

Photo specs: (bottom)
~taken February 5, 2007
~setting: landscape, flash did not fire; photo effect: sepia


7 comments:

Gramma Ann said...

I think you need to invite your two friends to visit your blog. I'm sure they have no idea that you are carrying around all that guilt. I feel sure they would give you the biggest hugs you ever had, and tell you to forgive yourself! and forget the past! and lets make today "the first day of the rest of our lives!" (Silly quote, but thought it kinda fit;)

The flowers I always called 'foxgloves' are the white and pink ones. Have a HAPPY DAY;)

Jaina said...

Thanks Gramma Ann. I hope you're right. And I love that quote, it totally fits. Thank you :)

Momo Fali said...

My friends all read my blog, but never leave comments. It's as if they don't mind if I share a part of myself, but they're terrified to share a part of themselves. I don't get it. But, it doesn't really matter because my blog is my sanctuary. It is for me and it makes me happy, and that's all that matters.

Kellan said...

I think you need to let go of the guilt - it sounds like it is time. Sometimes we carry around anger and guilt and such and let it wear on us and the other people aren't even aware that we are still bothered or angry - you know.

Lovely pictures, Jaina - take care - Kellan

Jaina said...

Momo, thank you. You are absolutely right. My blog is for me, and it's my sanctuary too, so it really doesn't matter who reads it or doesn't read it. (though secretly, or perhaps not so secretly, I love getting comments) But I write for me. To change a quote from Center Stage (a favorite movie of mine), I'm not writing for them anymore. I'm writing for me. (original has "dancing" instead of "writing") Thanks for reminding me of this.

Kellan you're right. There is no point in feeling bad about something in the past when I've been forgiven and am trying to continue to keep things right. Now to convince me of that. Letting go. Thank you for encouraging me to do so. And thanks for the comments on my pictures :)

Eileen said...

Jaina,
I don't tell my friends about my blog. I think one of my sister-in-laws knows, and I know she reads, but never comments. I guess I would like it better if she didn't. I like having a place to blog and can be open, without worrying about what I am writing. It alters how open I really want to be.

It sounds like you went through a very painful time with your friends, and it is now in the healing process. Remember it is a process, and takes time. That is good thing. You sound like the type of friend who values your friendships deeply. I don't think you weren't there, you went into a protective mode. Don't beat yourself up over that, you did what was right for you at the time. Now it is time, to slowly rebuilt, without the guilt. Under it all is caring and love.

I don't think you ramble at all. I love that you are so open with your feelings and thoughts. You are such an excellent writer!

I also, LOVE the photo. So beautiful.

XOXOX

Jaina said...

Eileen I really want to hug you right now. Thank you. "I don't think you weren't there, you went into a protective mode. Don't beat yourself up over that, you did what was right for you at the time." I hadn't thought about it that way, and I think you're absolutely right. Thank you so much. And thank you for the compliments about my writing, I truly appreciate them. And for about the photos :)