Playing Grown Ups

Like many little girls, when I was little, my cousin and I would play Barbies for hours. We'd spend hours setting up our Barbie furniture and accessories just right, everything in its perfect place. We'd imagine all sorts of stories and scenarios. There were of course always the two beautiful young girls, often princesses, usually 16 or just turning 16 (thank you Little Mermaid), they always had the perfect boyfriends. Perhaps a little bit of drama thrown in for excitement, because there has to be conflict before you get the happily ever after, right? We would play at being grown ups. To us of course that happened naturally at 16 because that's when you met prince charming, got married, had a mansion (or a castle or palace, anything huge and grandiose worked), horses, carriages, servants, etc. Thankfully we passed through that age a little bit wiser as to how things really worked and we didn't expect to live in a castle. Meet a prince charming perhaps, but not the other stuff. As the stories have it, things never go exactly as you might have imagined...they turn out better. Mine sure did. I am marrying the most wonderful prince charming I could ever have imagined.

I told him the other day that I feel like I'm going to feel like we're playing grown ups for a while and that eventually someone will come in and tell us to put our toys away, it's time to eat dinner or go to bed or something. As of New Year's Eve the fiance and I officially became home owners. It's still surreal, a total "wow". We own a house, we're getting married. It's exciting and crazy and thrilling and just completely mind blowing all at the same time. A wonderful and amazing way to start the new year. Playing grown ups. But for real this time.

Holiday Navigation

I thought we had this all worked out, the holidays I mean. But I feel like I was completely blindsided today and now I feel completely awful and out of sorts. (you can't tell, but there was a LOOOONG pause here in writing this post) I did just talk to my mom about it and feel a little bit better, but I'm just out of it. It probably doesn't help that I'm hormonal, so while my feelings are valid, I'm not dealing with them as well as I usually would.

The bf told me at work today that his mom got upset with him last night about holiday stuff and that we should split them, one there one here because it's not fair. This came out of nowhere for me, because we had multiple discussions regarding holidays. Our plans were to spend both Thanksgiving and Christmas up with my family, and we were going to celebrate those holidays with the bf's parents on a different day, either before or after. This decision was made after the bf and I had a long discussion in which I was told that his family didn't do big stuff for holidays and as long as they got to celebrate the day didn't really matter. This was ALSO emphasized by his parents in at least two different conversations. So I took this assurance from everyone that things were fine...only now apparently they aren't.

Holidays are big in my family, we go all out, and they're the handful of times a year that my extended family gets together. They're really important to me. Our plans for Thanksgiving were to drive up to my parents' house Thursday morning, and then come back here Saturday evening. I was going to get my parents' house decorated like I always do, and I wanted to help my Papa with his indoor decorations, since he's decided not to do the outdoor lights this year (which also makes me sad). Saturday I was going to bake cookies with my Grama. It's our little tradition to bake Christmas cookies together, we have since I was little. There have only been a few years that we've missed it. Evidently the Barbershop Quartet thing is Saturday afternoon. Which I may have known, but definitely do not have written down...and clearly the bf was not consciously aware of it either when we finalized our Thanksgiving plans to come back Saturday evening. The plan was to go with his parents on Sunday to buy their Christmas tree. Now we're going Thursday and coming back either Friday night or Saturday morning. I am hoping that I can do cookies with my Grama Friday AND get all of at least my parents' decorations up.

The bf said earlier that we just need to be aware of how many days we're going up for each thing. Have I mentioned that I hate the words balanced and equal and fair? Because most things in this world, simply are not. He mentioned that he thought they just didn't realize how many days we'd be gone each time. We just barely finalized yesterday that we were taking off the 23rd and would head up to my parents' the evening of the 22nd. The plan was to come back maybe the evening of the 26th or sometime the 27th. Now I don't know what the plans are. In terms of "fair" and "equal", you do have to consider that I hardly ever get to see my family. They live 3+ (depending on traffic) hours away. I'm going to get to see them on Thanksgiving, and then I'm not going to get to see them again until Christmas. Because of various plans I don't have a free weekend until the weekend just before Christmas, which doesn't really make sense to drive up and then come back for maybe 2 days and go back up. And now I don't even have that weekend because the bf's parents anniversary is the 23rd and the light parade (in the harbor) is that Sunday and that's their anniversary celebration thing.

I know that eventually there has to be compromise and figuring all this stuff out as you get older, but I wasn't supposed to have to do it this year. I'm not ready to do it this year. Honestly the thought of not being with my family both holidays makes me want to throw up. I feel like a selfish bitch saying any of that. And really, there are things on the weekends all throughout December with the bf's parents. I see them WAY more often than I see my own family. We are always there, the bf lives with them. (long story about that one...basics is they moved and he moved back into the house, and then they came back...) So when you start throwing out words like equal and fair, if you really want to consider it, I barely see my family. And I'm REALLY close to my family, especially my parents and my grandparents. What got me the most upset is that now I'm not sure that I'm going to get to bake cookies with my Grama. Because it's not fair. Also, as my mom pointed out, we are ONLY DATING!!! Yes, he's the one and I'm pretty darn sure I'm going to be marrying him. So that just makes it more complicated.

I mostly just feel really crappy right now. And I do realize that I would probably be handling this better if hormones weren't also a factor. I'm not mad at his parents, I understand actually, I just feel blindsided, this feels like it came out of nowhere...which is partly why I'm upset and out of it...I usually see things coming and am at least slightly prepared. I feel like I've had the wind knocked out of me.

I know most of you who read my blog are married and probably have experience with stuff like this, with the navigation of the holidays. How do you "split the days" to "make it fair and even"? What do you do? And how did you make that transition and those decisions?

Late Night Thoughts

I'm sure anyone who comes across my blog or has read any of it in the past 3 weeks is sick of hearing of the in and out, up and down drama that's been going on with the bf. There were several "talks" after which we were "okay". Finally had a good one Monday that seemed to really actually resolve things. Well, we've had another one tonight. I'm quite impressed with how quickly we went down and up on this one. Less than a day, rather than 2 weeks. That's improvement, right? I mean, it sucks that any of the drama is happening. When it boils down to it? This is the part of the relationship where our differences are being made clear, and we're learning how to work with them. Unfortunately we both still have a lot of growing up to do, albeit in different facets of our life. My growing up very much centralizes in terms of actually being in a relationship, while his tend to gear towards healthy ways of dealing with stress and controlling his mind. (which, in the context of our conversations makes way more sense than I'm sure it does at this moment here in my blog) Of course, the fact that we are both incredibly stubborn individuals does nothing to aid the situation. As my mother so gently put it this morning, we're having a territorial pissing contest. Sad thing is, she's not wrong. But we've definitely made progress in being able to talk about things and figure things out. And yes, it's going to take time, and sometimes it's a little discouraging. But I have hope, and that's a very powerful thing.

I'm learning that compromise doesn't mean I've lost my independence. I'm also learning that sometimes it's necessary to reign in that independent me just slightly so that it doesn't completely walk over people. It's like civil liberties, they only extend so far as they don't encroach on another person's rights. (yeah yeah, not the exact wording, but close enough) My independence is fine so long as it doesn't completely submarine someone else's right to independence or happiness. The trick is in finding the balance. My goal is to try and temper my reactions to things that trigger that stubborn independent side of me. This is really important because the bf? Words aren't his strongest suit, and he doesn't always say things right. He's trying, but definitely still learning. So, while he learns how to use words effectively and appropriately, I'll be working on turning my instant independent reactions to things into questions saying, "hey what did you mean by that?" or, "hey, that kind of triggered the independent streak, what did you really mean?". I'll admit, I'm rather protective of my independence, and it's tough going learning how to balance that with being in a relationship. This is all a complete learning curve for me. But I'm heartened by our ability to talk and explain things. It's a process, but I think it's worth it. We also both need to not jump to conclusions or assume things that are not said. That gets us into more trouble than anything else I think. Again with this whole growing up thing. To quote Meredith Grey, "We're adults. When did that happen, and how do we make it stop?" I mean seriously.

I will eventually get the hang of this, right? I'm not a completely hopeless case? I mean, bottom line, when it comes down to it, I'm head over heals for the bf. Which is why all this drama hurts us both so much. But, we're doing okay, and we're getting better. Just learning how this all works and how we work, both as individuals and as a couple. Wow, those are all like, really grown up things that I never really expected to come out of my mouth (or in this case, my fingers)

PhotoStory Friday: Fireworks

Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

"Fireworks"

One of the pictures I took during the fireworks after a great Padres game with the bf and his parents. It was a good game, even though they lost. And besides, the evening ended with fireworks, so it couldn't be a total loss. Plus, I love baseball, I love going to the stadium. Unless it's the World Series, I'm not a fan of baseball on tv. I'd rather be there in person, it's exciting.

And for those of you keeping track, and leaving me such wonderful supportive comments, the bf and I had our talk this afternoon. It was not fun, far from it in fact. But the long and the short of it is, he's not a huge fan of it and it's not easy for him, but he's willing to slow down, to give me the time I need. He said he'd do anything because he loves me more than anything in the world. Doesn't make it easy, but it says a lot that he's even willing to try. Things will be awkward for a little while, I understand that. But I hope they'll be right soon enough. Thank you all for all of your support and encouragement, it really helped me deal with all of this. I hope you all have a wonderful Friday and a fabulous weekend!


Today's post is inspired by the lovely ladies in the link below. Come play PSF with us, it's fun!

Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

What I Want

There I was, walking with purpose across the grass, trying to reach this tall, white columned building. But the building was under construction, and it took some convincing to let me go near it. I had to balance my way across the wooden boards over the trench like openings to get to the stairs. Somewhere along the way I'd run into the bf, who was carrying my overflowing bag and my purchases from Target. (purchases mind you, that I'd barely gotten because somehow I lost track of time and had been in their fifteen minutes after they closed) We finally made it to the entrance and went up the narrow stairwell. At the top we turned to the right, working our way past numbered doors, everything looked very old, like an old hotel almost. I checked my cell phone to see what office to go into. I selected the door, and went in. Only it didn't look like where I was supposed to be. It was a crowded, dilapidated room with creaky, dusty wooden floor boards. Screens hanging from the ceiling created individual spaces where small children were practicing instruments. My eyes locked on a child with a flute, then another with some other instrument, maybe a clarinet, I don't remember. I was in the wrong place. I retreated back to the hallway, the bf still in tow. I must have gotten it wrong somehow. I called him, to find out if I'd gotten the number wrong somehow. His assistant met me at the door down the opposite end of the hallway. It was much brighter over here. The bf stayed outside, in the waiting area I assume, as I entered. I went into the back, and was surprised to see my friend M from work. He's one of our top techs here, and we poke at each other but do get along, especially when it comes to the technical parts of our jobs. M stayed as the counselor directed me to a chair, himself kicking back on a sophisticated looking bed. My friend M was in a chair on the opposite side of the room. The counselor began asking questions, though I don't remember what they were, and I can't remember what I said.

And then I woke up. It was quite seriously one of the oddest dreams I've had and actually remembered. I'm not one for reading particular significance and signs into dreams, but the timing of this one is very interesting. The counselor part may have been influenced by me staying up till midnight reading The Five Love Languages for Singles. (it made more sense to be reading that one rather than the one for marriages...which was the one I bought initially) Prior to beginning the book, I spent a while writing down things that have been brought up in the last week or two that need to be addressed when the bf and I talk later today. And I wrote down how I was feeling (more for me to help consolidate my thoughts so I can be coherent and understandable when we talk). The biggest realization through all this that I made, is that I'm not ready to be in this serious of a relationship. We haven't even been dating for four months, and we're talking about marriage and it's sort of become this big end goal. I mean, half the time we act like we're already married. And I simply am not ready to be that serious yet. And I got carried away at the beginning, I jumped in head over heels and got swept away, and am only now beginning to surface and figure things out. Truthfully, this is the longest, most significant relationship I've ever had. Really, comparatively, it's the only one I've ever really had. So this is all new and unfortunately I'm not going to get it all right on the first try. And hopefully, the bf will be willing to wait for me. Right now I just want to have a fun dating relationship, I don't want to already be considered a unit, I don't want to handle schedules for two, because honestly, we're not married yet. I don't want to spend 24/7 with him, it's just too serious, too fast. And don't worry, once I know what I want (or in this case don't want), I'm very open and honest and forward about relating that. I'll be nice and calm and use all the appropriate "I" statements, but I won't lie later when we talk about everything. And all I can do is hope for the best and hope for understanding, and I'll in turn understand if he can't wait and give me patience.

Things are not yet resolved, but will be later today, one way or another. And I have to admit, that despite this pending conversation, I feel lighter than I have in weeks. I finally know what I want, and what I don't. It's a relieving and freeing feeling.

Practice

Today is different. Today is good. Today I didn't just teach a lesson and put my instrument away. Today I practiced. I really, truly practiced. It was like picking up an old friend that had been patiently waiting for me to get my act together and realize I missed them. I played scales, I played my solos, I play 'The Spell', which is my most absolute favorite solo ever. It was like I'd found a piece of me that's been missing for months, one I could sometimes see, but never truly realized had been an aching emptiness until it was once again filled. See, I learned about a not so fun side of this real world thing. I learned about the side where you don't always pass and there aren't always happy endings. I didn't pass my student teaching last semester. And it shattered my confidence as it shook my entire world. It was my first experience with failure. Needless to say, I didn't handle it incredibly well. Mostly because I didn't know how. I didn't know how to be open and vulnerable, I didn't know how to deal with the niceness of everyone who found out/I told. I didn't know how to ask for help and support, because I'm always the one in the role of supporter, it's hard to switch roles suddenly when you've played the same part for ages. Typically me, I withdrew from a lot of things, nothing too noticeable if you didn't know me. I haven't actually picked up a baton since I found out that I didn't pass. I had a breakdown about a month ago, got too overwhelmed during rehearsal for community band at the school where I spent an entire semester, and made it home in time to get online with a friend (incidentally, now the bf) and completely freak out. As far as breaking down and such goes, it was rather mild, but it was good for me. I needed to let go. One of my favorite songs is Let Go by Frou Frou. Too bad I didn't listen to those lyrics before; "let go... it's alright, because there's beauty in the breakdown" Better late than never, right? I've had an easier time of it since then. Rehearsals and teaching my flute student has gotten easier. It's no longer painful, I can breathe now. I still haven't picked up a baton. I'm working on that. My confidence is not entirely back, but at least it's begun to mend. To be entirely honest, I've never been a great practicer. It's a bad habit I suppose. But I shied away even further after everything. But today, today I practiced. And it felt good. I plan to continue, just a little bit each day or so. It will help. I've played flute for 13, nearly 14 years. I love it, and it felt so good, so RIGHT to play today. Besides, I promised my grandpa when I graduated that I wouldn't stop practicing or playing. Time to fulfill that promise I think, because after all, I don't make promises I won't keep. Small steps, one foot in front of the other, and I'll get my feet back under me. In the meantime, I have a fabulous apartment, a job that I absolutely love, wonderful friends and an amazing new boyfriend. I may have not passed, but that's okay. Because I'm going to get back on the horse, and do it again. And this time it will be easy. (once I take the few classes I need to help prepare me better...conducting and instrumental methods) I am so lucky to have so many people supporting me. I think that's what made it so hard to deal with. Everyone was so supportive and just, NICE, and I couldn't stand it. I didn't mind telling people, it was their reactions. They were NICE to me, and I just couldn't comprehend it, because I FAILED. They could not make that okay. But I get it now, and I can deal better, I am dealing better. It doesn't throw me off to talk about it anymore. It's still a soft subject, but it doesn't break me anymore, and that's something, right? In the words of a favorite song, I'm not there yet, but I will be. And I'm ever so looking forward to it.
The picture is one I took last year, yes that's my flute. The music is the piece I was working on at the time of the photo. I've had this flute since my junior year of high school, it's my baby. I absolutely love it, it's one of my most prized possessions. It's a little piece of my soul. And it was SO happy to actually be practiced today, not just played out of necessity to teach a lesson or for rehearsal. It makes me happy, music makes me happy.

Photo Stats:
~taken February 27, 2007
~setting: landscape, flash did not fire (don't ask why I had it set to landscape...your guess is as good as mine!)