Crossroads to the Front Row

Choices. We all make them, every single day. Some are as mundane as what shirt will I wear today or what should I make for breakfast. Others choices have greater impact on our lives and the direction in which we are headed. We come across many crossroads and paths throughout our lives and we must choose which direction to follow. Some decisions are easy, others take a while to think about and weigh the options. Regardless, once the choice is made, we set off in our chosen direction and the alternate route is closed off, at least from that particular point of entrance.

Sometimes I wonder about the choices that we make to bring us to where we are today. My musings generally have to do with choices that were outside of my control. Typically, this is in the form of nostalgia. Imagine your closest friend. The one with whom you can share everything in complete honesty without worry of judgment. Someone who shares your joy and your pain, your ups and your downs. Someone who shares your faith and in who you see God. Now multiply that by 6. That was my family the last year or so of college. We were the closest of friends. It's difficult to describe such a deep friendship, such an amazing dynamic, unless you've experienced it. There is truly nothing like it. I cherished it and reveled in it until the end. I'll never understand why we were ripped apart through petty jealousy and stupid hormones. But we were. Fractured and splintered, small pieces of what once was. I can't say that I am sad, because I am blessed to have known such friendship and love for the time in which it was mine. It has changed me for the better.

There was another group of friends very similar to ours. We were all friends, sort of an extended family. But there were two cores. Mine split apart. The other, the one that I started out being a part of freshman year, has stayed strong. I am so thankful for that, that they have managed to overcome everything and remain strong. It is a true blessing. I don't go on Facebook much these days, I got over it after we spent countless hours on it when it first came out as a college network. (and that was before apps and the other gadgets and games it now boasts) I have pictures from my core, from the good times, the memories. And I love them. Sometimes it hurts, but I can still think of the good times fondly. The beautiful pictures of new encounters and adventures amongst the other core of friends, the ones still intact and strong, makes me smile while simultaneously pulling at my heart strings. Bittersweet. Nostalgia. Communication amongst old friends is an interesting thing. Interesting to see which communications people work to renew, choose to keep, allow to dwindle, or which they seemingly refuse to acknowledge.

I have been blessed to have many friends over the years. I have many acquaintance with whom I love to meet. While on occasion there have been larger groups, I have always had a small circle of truly intimate friends. I get along with many people, quite happily so, but have always seemed to keep a smaller circle of those closest to me. It's not intentional or by design, it just how it seems to work out. And, truth be told, I am happy. I deeply cherish those I hold closest. Quality, not quantity, is what fills my life and warms my heart. I would rather have one very dear friend than 100 mild acquaintances. But sometimes I see friends who have many, many close friends (or what appear to be close friends) and I wonder if I've done something wrong. It leads me to the what ifs, a game which I but rarely indulge, for it is typically without purpose. In discussing certain wedding plans, there are quite a number of close friends of both myself and fiance who will be invited. But I have noticed that I have only a few friends from high school and college with whom I am truly close and have invited. I see others who have dozens of friends from these chapters of their lives and I wonder if maybe I'm wrong somehow...or maybe they just function differently than I do.

I believe that God brings people into our lives when we need them or when they need us. Everyone has something to share, something to teach us. If we are smart we will embrace these opportunities as often as we can. People pass in and out of each others lives, leaving their footprints behind as a mark. And from these people, the few, true souls we are meant to share our lives with, remain with us. That is not to say that some people are bad or unimportant, just that everyone has those people with whom they are meant to develop deep and meaningful relationships. By definition such friendships cannot exist with everyone. It would diminish their importance and purpose. Someone once described our lives as a theatrical production in which we get to fill the audience. We get to choose who is in the front row of our lives, who is in the back, and who isn't even inside the theatre. It's quite an interesting concept, one which I have thought about on many an occasion. The front row cannot hold an infinite number of people, nor should it. Some seats rotate, others remain constant, yet others may still be open waiting to be filled. No ones front row has the same number of seats. After all, each life is as unique as a snowflake, thus the architecture of our personal theatre is unique in its style and design. Relationships are not perfect, life would be boring if they were. These front row relationships are the most important in my life. I know who is in my front row. Who is in yours?

Mending Fences

For such a positive, happy person, I sometimes forget just how important a can-do attitude and a little determination can be, and consequently am sometimes astonished by the results. I by no means have corrected the effects of neglecting my friends, but a little outreach filled with love has gone a long way in less than a day. I'm already working to make plans and make sure that I don't neglect anyone anymore. The bf and I had a great talk this morning about all of it. He's really happy that, unlike last time I decided my life needed to be balanced, this time I talked to him about it first and explained how I was feeling and what I was thinking to do. (thereby avoiding the mess that nearly broke us up during our third month...I'm sure many of you remember those whiny posts) I still need to be sure to not neglect him either, but work more for the balance.
I have a phone date with a friend on Sunday, and I'm visiting an old friend on Monday who happens to be a priest (interesting story, but that is a blog post unto itself)
I'm also taking the Sultan's Daughter's advice to actually call my friends, because they do care and they do miss me. Somehow, somewhere in there I'd gotten convinced that I wasn't missed and that they didn't care. Crazy, right? She was certain to point that out to me last night. It was really due to a simple im message from her a few days ago that kicked my butt and brought me back to reality, gave me the energy that I needed to right things. And I'm happy about it.

I'm making it sound like everything's better already, and it's on it's way, but still a work in progress, and it's far from being perfect. I'd talked to Bee earlier in the week about maybe taking Friday as a movie/art project evening. She hadn't sounded overly enthused or entirely free. I'm not sure if we talked about it more than once (I think we did). But from the vibes I got, I figured we weren't doing anything tonight. So I accepted the dinner invite from the bf's parents this morning. Only to get a text around 6 or so asking if I wanted to do dinner since I'd mentioned maybe being free. I felt awful. I don't think I did anything wrong, but after the conversation we had last night, and with everything I'm trying to work on, it was kinda like, duh stupid. But like I said, it's a work in progress, and I've only just begun. I just have to show her through actions that I'm making a sincere effort to balance and not neglect anyone. It's only a matter of time.

Before I close tonight and get some much needed sleep, I have a prayer request that nearly breaks my heart, especially because I just found out about it. (what can you expect when you go mia for so long) But the Sultan's Daughter's father is more or less dying from lung cancer. It's a very hard and painful situation that I know I only begin to understand on the surface. But if you all wouldn't mind keeping all of her family in your prayers, it would mean a lot to me. I was so glad she told me, but also shocked because I didn't know what to say. So I'm going to pray the rosary, for her father. The rosary helps me focus, especially when my mind just won't seem to shut itself up.

Double Life

Sometimes I feel like I live a double life. In one there I am the girlfriend. In the other I am the friend. And lately? I've been living almost exclusively in the girlfriend side of my double life. Which leaves the other side withering and dying, which is not cool.
But tonight I start to question and wonder why there has to be a double life, a double identity. Who said that I had to start a split life that never quite seems to mesh? Who is living my life, me or the people I'm trying to please? Well, as of right now, it's me. I am determined to nurse my ailing friendships that have gotten pushed to the side in favor of the girlfriend side of me. And I'm determined to keep the girlfriend side healthy and strong, but who said I have to choose one over the other? When did I stop living my own life and making my own decisions? It happened so subtly I didn't even notice it.
Well, as of right now, the double life no longer exists. They are merged. And whoever can't handle it or doesn't like it can get the hell out of my life. (yes, I admit that's a bit drastic and probably not true, but, it's nearly midnight and I'm still awake, please indulge the momentary drama) I'm going to start balancing my friendships and my relationship before my friendships disappear from lack of nurturing, and without withering my relationship. All it takes is a little bit of balance. And I have the determination to do it. All it took was the realization (thanks to a well worded im and subsequent conversation with the Sultan's daughter and a separate conversation with Bee) to realize that I am missed and that they care. I know, the Sultan's daughter was way shocked when I admitted that I had somehow convinced myself that I wasn't missed and wasn't needed. I see now how silly that is. And now more than ever I realize what wonderful, beautiful friends I have.
From now on the only double life I'll ever lead is that of a double agent (but don't worry, I doubt I'll ever be Sidney Bristow)

**disclaimer-the double life reference is figurative, not literal. I'm still the same me, I just feel like there are unnecessary and unhealthy splits on my focus and attention...hopefully that makes sense. It's late and I'm tired.

Morning update: Had a great talk with the bf, and he's on the same page. He understands how I'm feeling, and while he's protective of me in terms of completely blaming myself, he understands. I'm very hopeful, and already taking steps to equal things out and merge those two sides so they aren't at odds with each other.

Thought for thought

I think. A lot. You might accuse me of overthinking. (trust me, I have been accused of this before...rightly so) It has its benefits, sometimes it's a good thing, other times it gets in the way and causes more harm than good. Regardless, it makes my head a crowded place to reside sometimes. Talking helps, on occasion. Writing is my outlet, whether it's online or in my paper journals (which have actually seen the light of...my bedside lamp...the past few days), writing is a release. Sometimes just the act of getting my thoughts from inside my mind to outside of it on paper, releases some of the pressure of these bits of ideas and images racing around inside my brain like superheated particles crashing into one another. I need to remember to make time to allow myself this outlet. (it helps to keep the pressure out of my head) Time shouldn't be an issue, as I was recently reminded in a daily quote email:

"Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein." -H. Jackson Brown

Pretty smart if you ask me, and makes you stop and think a bit, about the concept of time. There is so much and so little of it. (I swear that's a quote from a movie, but I cannot remember which one or who said it...I'm thinking something epic, like Galadriel in Lord of the Rings, but I can't remember...it's not important) We are only as busy as we choose to be. We make time for the times we choose. If we really, truly and deeply want to do something, we are more than capable of making it happen. Being busy is only a temporary excuse, if it can be considered one at all. Good excuse, I mean. It's always invoked as an excuse, but rarely justified. Not really.
It's been nearly a year since I graduated. So many things have happened since then. I have grown so much, learned and become more of who I am. Nearly a year ago I watched as my secure little world crashed down around my feet, and I was powerless to stop it, as I watched my dearest friends hurt one another. Betrayals and distrust, conclusions ill gotten and refusal to forgive. I've retreated into myself as I do on occasion when life gets too much to deal with (though I rarely realize it at the time). I just (literally, like 2 seconds ago) realized that it's probably my way of controlling the uncontrollable. Unfortunately this results in me missing out on lots of things...something I may or may not get to later, but is definitely strong amongst the thoughts swirling through my head. I've re-emerged from that sheltered place, and I've grown. I've learned, taught, failed and continued. I've grown closer to my family, made new friendships, welcomed a beautiful, new little family member, grown up some. I've watched as some friends made their own sort of peace and forgiveness, while others continued to hurt. I have a boyfriend who is absolutely amazing--we'll be officially 1 month tomorrow. He has something up his sleeve for Friday night, my cousin has been teasing me because she knows what he has planned. I'm excited, and I am so incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful guy in my life.
I've found myself lost in thought today. (no, really?) I don't know what sparked it, probably not entirely unrelated to hormones and such, but I have this tendency of following one thought and running into a snow storm of others, dragging me into an odd, pensive sort of mood. I know that earlier when I started to write, it was originally going to be about writing. Ah, there I was. I've found my train of thought again. It was just sitting by the stream having a picnic while I tried to find it, sitting in plain view. As some of you may know from earlier posts, I began the writing thing really with my LiveJournal. My friend B got me into that. Really, I was thinking about it on my way home tonight, she has inspired me to so much, and continues to inspire me. But that's a train of thought to fill an entire post unto itself. (and will most likely find its way into a paper journal) Both of our LiveJournals have been friends locked for some time now, for various reasons. I honestly haven't posted there in months. B recently linked me to a new "public" blog she had started over on another site. This was several weeks after I'd begun my blog here. I enjoy reading her stuff, I always have. But, surprisingly, I did not link her here, or even tell her of this blog's existence. I hesitated, and I'm not entirely sure why. I've been thinking that it's a little silly to have a blog that none of my "real life" friends (and I use that with quotes because in no way do I mean to put down any of you who read and comment on my blog, you are all absolutely wonderful and I am so grateful for your kindness and comments, and I love reading your blogs in turn, you all make me smile) ...looking for my train of thought....ah yes. But to not have any of those people know about my blog. And I have tried to think of why, exactly. And I've come up with several answers, the main of which, I don't think I was/am ready. There is a certain freedom and release in writing when you are writing more or less anonymously, in a way. Not sure if that makes sense. Looking back, I feel as if knowing certain people were reading my journal, made me write differently than I might have otherwise. Not necessarily content-wise, well, sort of. I feel like I write more freely and without fear of judgment or scrutiny here than I ever did on my LiveJournal. Not to say that my friends would judge or anything. I'm sorry, I seem to be talking in twists. (you should see how crazy it is here in my head-seriously) But then I read your blogs, and I see the comments from friends both "real life" and from the blogosphere, and I wonder why I haven't shared my blog with my friends. I feel like I'm hoarding it like a treasure or something (so long as I don't start calling it the precious or anything I think I'm okay...) (apologies for the consistently obscure Lord of the Rings references) Basically, I'm sitting here debating sharing this with my friends. Will that change the appeal of my blog? Will it change the way I write? I don't know. If any of you wonderful readers have any suggestions or stories or advice, I would love to hear them.
The other subject that is the root of many of my other thought wanderings lately, are my friendships, two in particular. My job kept me busy last summer, along with the whole little withdrawal from all that drama, and I missed a lot. And it bothers me. Not that there are things, jokes and memories and such that I'm not a part of, because that's fine. It bothers me that I let myself check out for so long. I missed so much, and yes, we are all still friends and I see them way more than I did, but, I feel like a very, very bad friend. I checked out when they probably could have used me most. I have always taken pride in my friendship, and I failed them. I am SO incredibly thankful that they had each other when I was awol. And I know that B has forgiven me for it. I think L has too, but I can't remember if we've had a specific conversation where I apologized. Maybe I should double check that we've had that. But I realized that the reason it hurts so much, is because I haven't forgiven myself. And they give me a hard time about it once in a while, and I completely deserve it. L made a subtle reference to it tonight at rehearsal. I said something about getting together to practice something or other, and she said something like, yeah right or something equally pointed about me screwing up. And it was absolutely deserved. But deserved or not, it hurts. Each and every little reference, in jest or not, tears at my soul and breaks my heart. I know it's not intended that way, but it hurts because it's justified and it's true. I was around, but I wasn't really there. And I just haven't been able to forgive myself for it yet. Maybe when I've made significant progress in repairing, rebuilding and strengthening these relationships, maybe. I want so badly to make things better. As you all know well, I cherish my "me time", and there are occasions where I would honestly just rather sit at home than do anything. And it's hard, because I still miss out on stuff because of it sometimes. It's a constant battle with myself to go out of my way and put myself out there. I miss where these friendships were. They're still good friendships, but they're not the same. They're not bad, I just know that they can be even better. And I know that I can't just flip a switch and suddenly make things back to "normal". It takes effort, and time, and I'm trying. I'm just afraid that I'm not succeeding. And the thought is wearying. I feel like Tarah in season 6 of Buffy, where she comes back to Willow and:

Tara: Things fall apart. They fall apart so hard.
Willow: Tara?
Tara: You can't ever...put them back the way they were.
Willow: Are you okay?
Tara: I'm sorry, it's just...you know, it takes time. You can't just...have coffee and expect-
Willow: I know.
Tara: There's so much to work through. Trust has to be built again, on both sides...you have to learn if we're even the same people we were, if we can fit in each other's lives. It's a long, important process, and...can we just skip it? Can-can you just be kissing me now?

...you know, minus the whole lover's thing and kissing, and whatnot. But the sentiment. I'm just tired. And I feel like my efforts get nowhere. For every step forward, I take 2 back. It's frustrating, and it feels like it's just, not enough or something. And I realize that I'll probably feel much better about this in the light of day when I'm not so tired. But still. I just realized that I'm making this sound like B and L aren't my friends or something. They are, most definitely. I just want to be THERE more. It's my fault things got messed up in the first place. I'm just trying to revisit connections, get things back on track, if that makes sense. And I know that things are never exactly the same, but can always be better. It's just that sometimes it seems like such an
uphill climb, and makes me tired. But these two beautiful women are worth it, they are worth everything. I just want to make things right. And maybe eventually forgive myself for peacing out when I should have been more present than ever.
Wow, I just went off on a complete stream of consciousness there. Dang, way to ramble. See? I told you my mind is a busy place these days. You should see all the OTHER thoughts and details jetting around my mind. You could get lost in there. (that is, assuming you didn't get lost in that ramble up there and didn't even get to this point!) Apologies, I didn't mean to be so wordy. I promise to have a happier post tomorrow.
Today's pictures are two of my favorites. They are from a trip to the pier with B and L to take sunset pictures. The top is one I took of them before climbing up to join them on the beams underneath the pier. (and no, we weren't supposed to be climbing, but it made for some fun pictures) This bottom one is of both of them on the wet sand, silhouetted against the ocean sunset. This was a good day. This is what I miss. I get glimpses of it every now and then, I guess I'm wishing and working for consistency and complete ease. If that makes sense. My head doesn't entirely make sense at the moment, so who knows if the words coming out of it are even in English. (well, I know they're in English because my French is NOT good enough to write this much without tearing my hair out, and aside from pig Latin, it's the only other language I know more than 3 words of!)

Photo specs: (top)
~taken February 5, 2007
~setting: portrait, flash did not fire; photo effect: b&w

Photo specs: (bottom)
~taken February 5, 2007
~setting: landscape, flash did not fire; photo effect: sepia