How Time Flies

Time certainly flies when you're busy having fun. We had the memorial desert trip for Moe. It was intense, fun, sad, wonderful, memorable, emotional, closure. We had a carpet of purple flowers welcoming us on either side of the road as we drove into the flats, it definitely set the tone for the weekend. We knew Moe was there waiting for us. The valleys were covered in purple flowers. Now, I haven't been going to the desert for very long, but some of our friends have been going for close to 20 years. They have never seen purple flowers out there, not like this. Yeah. Intensity. The crack of dawn ride was incredible, watching the sunrise from the top of a dune after being cleansed with white sage by her brother was an amazing experience. Camp was huge, so many people. The ride out to the memorial valley was epic, so many people whose lives she touched. I know she was right there with us, loving every minute of it. I broke my quad. Well, my quad broke, but it wasn't my fault. I think it was Moe's way of telling me I am ready for a bigger bike. That's what I get for showing off for her playing in the dunes above the memorial valley. It makes me smile.

We booked our reception venue last Friday. It's such a relief to have that figured out. We met with a caterer last night and will hopefully have the food booked by the end of next week. Everything will flow together after that, the venue was the biggest obstacle/stresser. I'm getting so excited. We registered for kitchen stuff over the weekend, it was a really fun experience. And, let's be honest, those little scan gun thingies are incredibly fun to play with. The fiance's mom is throwing us a summer kitchen Jack & Jill wedding shower so she needed us to at least register for kitchen related items. I'm looking forward to completing our registration, it really is a fun experience discussing and deciding on the items we would like to have for our life together. It seems so simple, but it's really meaningful and a lot of fun.

Messages of Love

Moe once told me that she wanted to be there for me during the wedding planning process. She wanted to be the one I came to when I was stressed or frustrated, to be the person I could talk to and vent to when I needed. She would be there for whatever I needed help with. I wasn't far enough into planning to take her up on this offer before she left.

The fiance and I were talking about wedding stuff at lunch and I've been thinking/stressing most of the day now. I was standing at my stove cooking quesadillas, stressing about the wedding and how we're going to make it work in the modest budget we have available, including the honeymoon. As I continued stressing, I started thinking how this would be a time to talk to Moe, to share my fears and stresses and hear her tell me that it was going to work out and then make a few brilliant suggestions to help it work. I was stressing how I didn't know what I was going to do now, because Moe isn't here anymore. Who was I going to talk to?

As I was standing there in the midst of these thoughts, mentally freaking out, I get this text message from the fiance:

Moe loves u princess

I can't tell you exactly what went through my mind at that moment. I texted the fiance back and said I know. A lil random, but i know. She loves you too.

It was his reply that got me: Hahaha not what I meant but she does I meant muah
I was stunned. I replied with Wow, and then completely lost it when he said Hahaha yea something happened.

Yeah, Moe used you to send me a message. Right when I needed it most. Right when I was stressed and freaking out and worried. Right when I was thinking about how much I needed her to be here, for so many reasons, not just for this. And then came the text.

Moe loves u princess

Not exactly an answer, but it's all I needed to know. The fiance has a Blackberry. Muah coming out as Moe was not an accidental typo. Fresh tears subsiding, I know I can do this. So does Moe.

Voices

It poured rain today. Fitting, in a way. I'd have expected nothing less for the memorial for Moe today. It was truly beautiful, it was breathtaking to see the number of lives she touched. Beautiful words were spoken, memories shared, tears shed. I thought I was going to pass out when Bells spoke, my chest was so tight I could barely breathe. I wanted nothing more than to wrap her up and steal her away from this awful nightmare. No 15 year old should have to go through this. Instead I brought her a pack of double stuf oreos, our favorite desert snack and one of her favorite treats.

My tenses are blurred, fluid. There is no strict line between past and present. Moe isn't gone, she never will be. I feel like she's just gone on a vacation or that I just have to run down to her office or out to the house for a family game night. She's always are the corner, just out of sight. She had a remarkable presence in life, an energy that can never be lost in death. She has become a voice in my head. I can hear her and see her, know her reactions and what she would say. Hear her laugh. It's strangely comforting. I know my guardian angel by name and hear her voice in my head and my heart. I can tell stories, share memories, but I can never truly explain just how special Monique is to me, how deeply she has touched my life. She will always be with me.

My deepest thanks to those who have left such encouraging and caring comments the past week. I haven't had the strength to respond, but please know that I have read each and every one of them and they have given me strength and each felt like a hug from a dear friend. And it may seem a ridiculous thing to admit, but yes, I have cried. Several times. Now, even. It is cleansing, it relieves the pressure in my head, I know it's part of the process.

Process

But I don't understand, I don't understand how this all happens, how we go through this, I mean I knew her, and now she's...there's just a body, and I don't understand how come she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore. It's stupid! It's mortal! and it's stupid! And Xander's crying and not talking, and I was having fruit punch and I was thinking that well Joyce will never have fruit punch, ever, and she'll never have eggs, or yawn, or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why. ~Anya, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, 5.16 - The Body

Moe was only 42. She beat breast cancer, she was a strong, amazing woman.
Wednesday she found out that she had liver cancer.
Thursday afternoon she was in the hospital, then on life support.
Early Friday morning the tumor or whatever it was crystalized and burst, essentially poisoning her. She had a heart attack. They worked on her for 26 minutes. The doctor finally told her husband that they could continue and buy her maybe another 30 minutes, maybe a couple hours.
3 days. That's it.

I've only known Moe for about a year and a half. She was a dear friend of the fiance's and I met her through him. We all work for the same place and the first time she and I actually met was over the phone soon after the fiance and I started dating. I was helping her with some computer stuff. Moe is welcoming and loving, I was instantly family. She was a great person to talk to. She'd give it to you straight, because sometimes that's just how you need it. No holds barred, no secrets, you always knew what was on her mind. Without Moe it's fair to say that the fiance and I would not be engaged right now. She steered our relationship away from the rocks several times. We both implicitly trusted her, and she never broke that trust, not once. You could count on Moe. She was just amazing like that. She is a true friend, and I am so blessed to have had her in my life.

I am absolutely reeling right now. Like Anya, I don't understand. I cannot make sense of it. Death seems to be a concept that is too great for the capacity of the human mind to understand. It is most certainly beyond mine. I've glimpsed it here and there. I was so young when my aunt and paternal grandfather passed away. Too young for it to really hit me. The fiances grandparents hit, but it was subtle. Though I loved them, I barely knew them. Moe is the first time I am really having to face this head on. We were very close, she was a mix of friend, sister and mother.

I have many happy memories with Moe. And I can't seem to wrap my mind around it that there will not be additions to those. Nothing new. Moe changed the lives of everyone she met. She will always influence mine. I can hear her voice in my head, hear her laugh. I can picture the two of us nursing spritzers in the desert, spending most of the day pleasantly fuzzy and enjoying great conversation while the rest of camp was out riding the dunes. Moe is the reason I got back on my quad and still ride today. She was my teacher and my friend. She lived life without regrets. I know I will miss her. I'm not there yet, because I still don't accept that she's gone. It just seems like she's gone on a trip or something. Just out of sight around the next corner, just over the next dune.

I feel split. Compartmentalization to the extreme. A part of me is standing rationally (or irrationally, I'm not truly sure which) to the side, watching the other part of me curl into the fetal position, trying desperately not to face this. This horrific monster called death that stole Moe from me, from Bells, from the fiance, from all of us who knew and loved her. That rational part of me knows that everything happens for a reason and that she is safe and out of pain. The curled up one doesn't care because it hurts so much. In all my actions I can hear her voice, her comments and what she would say. I know we have a new guardian angel watching over us and the idea comforts me.

Tears

I think I might be falling apart. But I'm consciously aware of what I am doing. I compartmentalize pretty well...comes from having to deal with lots of drama over the years. I compartmentalize to function. Distractions help too. My mom's visit couldn't have been more perfectly timed this weekend. I had a wonderful time hanging out with her, watching movies and going to the bridal show. More on the happy stuff later. I'm not in a happy mood.

If I don't cry it's not real. I can't help the tears that spilled over a little bit...they were excess, and I'm exhausted, my eyes are tired. I know that it's not true, but there is some part of myself that is clinging to the idea that if I don't cry, then it's not real, though consciously I'm almost laughing at myself for such foolishness. It's not happening. It's just a bad dream, some awful, ill-conceived and incredibly early April Fools prank. I consciously know that this is not really the case. I know that the longer I ignore it while looking it in the face, the harder this is going to hit. But I don't care. It's unbelievable, therefore it can't be true. Tears are wet, tangible. They represent a detached reality that I don't want to face. Thus, if I don't cry, it's not real. I think it might be what they call denial. I'm not sure, I don't think I've ever been there. It's easier for my mind to detach. I don't like to think much. Thinking hurts when the thoughts are nonsensical and have no conceivable rational explanation. Compartmentalization to function. No tears.

Moe died this morning.

Cancer is a Bitch

You might remember stories about my friend Renee. Her real name is Moe. She's my riding coach, but so much more. She's a wonderful friend. Her daughter, Bells, is like a little sister to both me and the fiance. We consider them family. Moe is one of the most amazing people I know. She is always there when you need her, always has words of wisdom to share, and you know she'll tell it to you straight. She is really, truly a gift.

Moe successfully fought breast cancer a number of years back. The fiance and I found out this afternoon that she has cancer again and is currently in the hospital. It's liver cancer, and it is aggressive, they have her on morphine right now. They are going to do an oral chemo treatment, I believe for about 2 weeks, which has about a 50% chance of having any effect on the cancer.

She is a fighter, I know that much without a doubt. But right now she needs all the help she can get. Please keep Moe, her daughter, her husband, and all of their family in your prayers. Prayer is an incredibly powerful blessing. Please pray for Moe. Pray very, very hard.