Thursday, October 2, 2008

Double Life

Sometimes I feel like I live a double life. In one there I am the girlfriend. In the other I am the friend. And lately? I've been living almost exclusively in the girlfriend side of my double life. Which leaves the other side withering and dying, which is not cool.
But tonight I start to question and wonder why there has to be a double life, a double identity. Who said that I had to start a split life that never quite seems to mesh? Who is living my life, me or the people I'm trying to please? Well, as of right now, it's me. I am determined to nurse my ailing friendships that have gotten pushed to the side in favor of the girlfriend side of me. And I'm determined to keep the girlfriend side healthy and strong, but who said I have to choose one over the other? When did I stop living my own life and making my own decisions? It happened so subtly I didn't even notice it.
Well, as of right now, the double life no longer exists. They are merged. And whoever can't handle it or doesn't like it can get the hell out of my life. (yes, I admit that's a bit drastic and probably not true, but, it's nearly midnight and I'm still awake, please indulge the momentary drama) I'm going to start balancing my friendships and my relationship before my friendships disappear from lack of nurturing, and without withering my relationship. All it takes is a little bit of balance. And I have the determination to do it. All it took was the realization (thanks to a well worded im and subsequent conversation with the Sultan's daughter and a separate conversation with Bee) to realize that I am missed and that they care. I know, the Sultan's daughter was way shocked when I admitted that I had somehow convinced myself that I wasn't missed and wasn't needed. I see now how silly that is. And now more than ever I realize what wonderful, beautiful friends I have.
From now on the only double life I'll ever lead is that of a double agent (but don't worry, I doubt I'll ever be Sidney Bristow)

**disclaimer-the double life reference is figurative, not literal. I'm still the same me, I just feel like there are unnecessary and unhealthy splits on my focus and attention...hopefully that makes sense. It's late and I'm tired.

Morning update: Had a great talk with the bf, and he's on the same page. He understands how I'm feeling, and while he's protective of me in terms of completely blaming myself, he understands. I'm very hopeful, and already taking steps to equal things out and merge those two sides so they aren't at odds with each other.


14 comments:

Gramma Ann said...

Jaina,

I kind of know what you are saying, only in a different sense. I sometimes wonder if you and others wish I would quit leaving comments. After all I am very opinionated, and don't always 'go with the flo' kind of like yesterdays comment. So I guess we all have our own little quirks and maybe others do think we are a little quirky, but so be it.

If your friends are true friends, they will understand that you can't always be there for them as you were before. We grow in so many areas, hobbies, school, 'learning conducting' for future employment, and yes a new bf. That new relationship needs nurturing as well. Especially, if you love him and view him as your future husband "to have and to hold as long as you both shall live";)

A "Double Life?" No, just one that is growing and maturing.

Have a nice doubling, bubbling week-end ;)

Gramma Ann said...

P.S. I still cannot get you in my link list. "Looking Through the Lens," goes to someone elses blog. Go figure!!! So as much as I would like to have you on my link list I can't seem to get you to work there. Hee, hee.

Jaina said...

Gramma Ann-I absolutely love your comments, opinionated and all. 100% :) And my friends do understand, but they've kinda got the short end of the stick lately. I talked to the bf this morning about all of it, and it was a really great conversation. I'm going to do better with making sure I don't neglect anyone. Already taking steps to do so.
Did you try using the "http://girl-with-the-camera.blogspot.com" link? Looking Through the Lens is just the title of my blog, but my blog url is different. If it doesn't work, not a big deal though. I hope you never stop commenting, because I absolutely look forward to hearing what you have to say and sharing your wisdom. :)

Don Mills Diva said...

It does make sense and a lot of women have been there - it's hard to mesh our roles...

Jaina said...

DMD-That's actually incredibly relieving to know, thank you. :)

Gramma Ann said...

Jaina: I tried with the - and without the - it always goes to someone elses blog, and sorry I meant "girl-with-a-camera" and I also had the http:// before it both ways.

Gramma Ann said...

Me again! I just got the link right, it works!!! I think I was putting "girl with "A" camera" before. Instead of "the".

Jaina said...

Oh good! I'm glad it worked for you. :) I hope you're having a great Friday and that you have a fabulous weekend. :)

Mrs.D said...

Been there. Your friends will gradually take the backseat as you marry and have kids. It's natural. You still have them, of course, but there isn't the time and devotion that you once had. And the "best" friends won't go anywhere. They'll still be there, and will probably be going thru the same stuff as you. You're "sort of good" friends will be the ones who fall by the wayside. But it's okay... you won't have the time to invest in a million friendships as your life branches out. This was how I saw it, anyway.

Cheryl said...

Jaina,
I have totally been there, on both sides. It seems to happen when a new relationship begins and being together is so important. Our friends have to get use to the shift and they will. True friends will always be there and will understand. The balance will come, I promise. Just take it day by day and most importantly...talk about it with your friends too. Communication is the key.

XXXXXXX

OHmommy said...

I agree... it has taken me years o mesh all of my roles.

And furthermore, I think I love gramma ann. Just saying. She rocks.

Jaina said...

Mrs. D-That's both sad and comforting at the same time. I guess things will get easier when my closest friends find their own relationships. I know the ones who matter will be there no matter what, but the in between part kinda sucks. But I really do appreciate what you've shared, it makes a lot of sense. :)

Cheryl-Good to know that there is a bright side. And I agree that my friends will be there...I just hate hurting them at all while we all learn how to adapt to this. I go in and out of communication, but no more. I'm here and I'm here to stay, and I'm going to quadruple my efforts and make sure that my friends aren't neglected. I put my mind to it last night, and am already seeing positive results with multiple people. I by no means have the hang of it, but with a little determination and can do attitude, I've already seen improvements. :)

OHMommy-Oh how I wish it would just happen immediately. And you're absolutely right, Gramma Ann absolutely rocks. She's wonderful. She also posts some of the funniest things around. :)

EatPlayLove said...

I know i've mentioned it a number of times, but my husband and I have been together forever! I certainly felt those phases early on when relationships with my girlfriends were on the back burner.

Keep in mind your boyfriend is also your friend, helping you through those moments.

Jaina said...

EatPlayLove-Wow, is it bad that I honestly sometimes forget that he's my friend too? Thank you for reminding me. :)