Thursday, June 12, 2008

L-O-V-E

Because Converse Mama asked SO sweetly (and because I promised)...

I'm in love. Haha, makes me giggly just to write it...that's the first time I've "said" that. I've known for a while now, but I hadn't said it. I had a talk with Jasa about it several weeks ago, because honestly, this is all new to me. We talked about timing and right-ness. He left me with the thought that the next time I felt like saying it, to just say it. (of course in person and not on im or in a text) The opportunity presented itself within an hour of that conversation, but it's like I lost my voice each time I tried to say those three little words, they just seemed to catch in my throat. And so time continued, those three words continued to lodge themselves in the back of my throat.

I was pretty sure I loved him relatively early on, but I wasn't sure how to be sure. I tend to love fairly easily, as a friend, and to think about it, I don't think I've ever really been in love before, only crushing...so this was all fairly new. And "I love you" is kind of a big deal, and you can't take it back. I just needed to be sure. I can't tell you exactly when I was 100% certain, I just knew.
Fast forward to last Friday. Our drive up to my aunt's on our way to my house started almost unpleasantly. The bf was frustrated because he wanted everything to be perfect for my family, and we were running later than I had said I wanted to (this was actually my fault) I'd been feeling like I was frustrating him a lot lately, and this just made it worse. I got very, very quiet. (which, if you know me, is a very rare occurrence, usually the result of getting distracted and lost within my overfull, racing mind) See, I don't have the greatest track record when it comes to relationships. And I was so (still sort of am) so scared of screwing this up. It was really bothering me, because I really, truly cared if I messed it up. I love him and it scared me that I thought I was going to screw it up. The bf reads me really well, and knew something was up, but I was in one of those places where I just couldn't find my voice. I lifted the center console in the truck and slid over to be right next to him and just laid my head on his shoulder and held onto him for a while. After a bit I found my voice and told him how I'd been feeling, and he reassured me that everything was fine, and he was not and had never been upset with me or frustrated by me. And he assured me that there was nothing I could do to make him go away. I could have kissed him right then...actually, I'm fairly certain I did. I knew that I had to tell him. I mean, I was sure he knew, but I HAD to say it.

And again the words caught in my throat. Stupid words must have barbs on them or something, seriously. A short while later my good mood returned (I'm telling you, I am one of the happiest people you will ever meet, my rare bad moods never last long) We were singing and listening to one of the playlists I'd made earlier that afternoon on his ipod. came on. It's one of my favorite songs, and it was the song we had been listening to, and the first thing the bf heard after he left after we kissed the first time and admitted our feelings for each other. And yes, I am now officially the princess of cheesy-ness. I knew that I needed to be the one to say those words first, because he was worried about scaring me or making me skittish (me and my track record, seriously) I also knew that I couldn't just blurt the words out, they literally would not come out of my mouth. So, following the first line of the chorus (you know the one, "I love you baby...") I quietly said "I do, you know". He asked "do what?" And of course, I replied with "love you". He of course told me he loved me.

To add to the humor, shortly after, I said something about knowing I had to say it first, and he said "you still haven't said it". I was SO confused. He'd gotten so flustered at hearing it, he didn't hear the first part of what I'd said, and had changed it in his mind to me asking if he loved me. D'oh! It definitely made the moment memorable, we both couldn't stop laughing. I was grinning like an idiot the rest of the night...in fact, I still sort of am. My cousin and I nearly burst when I told her at my aunt's. My family really likes him and have really accepted him into our circle, and his parents and friends really like me too. It just works. The whole things just feels right, like it's meant to be. We fit.

I'm his princess, always and forever. That's what he says. And he said I could keep him, always and forever. And that makes me subliminally happy. I have the bestest boyfriend in the world. And I love him. And I love that I can say that. And now that I am grinning like a lunatic, I'm going to head to bed. Sorry that post went SO long...I need to learn the beauty of brevity...but perhaps I'll try that out on a post NOT about being in love. Hehe, in love. Me. :)
It's an older picture, taken on our poppy excursion only a few days after we started dating. We took a picture because of the massive size difference between his truck and that little Prius. I thought it was appropriate that since the cab of his truck was where we first said I love you, that the photo for this post be of his truck. (this is the only one I currently have) I love my bf, and his truck. Haha. I hope everyone has a wonderful evening, and I wish you all a beautiful Friday!


9 comments:

Momo Fali said...

Aw! I'm happy for you. And, I'm proud of you for saying it.

Jaina said...

Thanks Momo! :) I'm proud of me too. This is all so new and exciting. :)

Gramma Ann said...

First love is all so memorable and sweet!

I can't think of the words right now, but your story about the pick up truck reminded me of the song: "A Pick-Up Man" maybe you know it and can refresh me. It is a country song about a man and how all the women like a pick-up man. Meaning his truck:)) Anywho, loved the story, and hope you two continue a long and happy life together.

Which reminds me my husband and my first date was on Friday, Dec. 13, 1957. This morning he said; " you know today is our 50 years and 7 month anniversary," I said, "What are you talking about?" He reminded me that today is Friday the 13th. I finally got it;))

Have a safe and fun week-end;)

Jaina said...

Thanks Gramma Ann, haha, sounds like a great song. And happy 50 years plus 7 months!

lattemommy said...

Congratulations, Jaina! I'm so happy for you, and envious too... there's nothing like the first bloom of love.

Jaina said...

Thanks Latte Mommy! :)

EatPlayLove said...

Cherish it all!

April said...

What a beautiful story! Sometimes saying "I love you" can be the hardest step of all in a new relationship. I, too, had that problem in the beginning. But once I said it, I felt so, so happy. :-)

Jaina said...

Eat Play Love- I definitely am :)

April-It really was a hard step, but you're right, I am SO happy we took it. I just can't stop smiling. :)