Thursday, July 24, 2008

What I Want

There I was, walking with purpose across the grass, trying to reach this tall, white columned building. But the building was under construction, and it took some convincing to let me go near it. I had to balance my way across the wooden boards over the trench like openings to get to the stairs. Somewhere along the way I'd run into the bf, who was carrying my overflowing bag and my purchases from Target. (purchases mind you, that I'd barely gotten because somehow I lost track of time and had been in their fifteen minutes after they closed) We finally made it to the entrance and went up the narrow stairwell. At the top we turned to the right, working our way past numbered doors, everything looked very old, like an old hotel almost. I checked my cell phone to see what office to go into. I selected the door, and went in. Only it didn't look like where I was supposed to be. It was a crowded, dilapidated room with creaky, dusty wooden floor boards. Screens hanging from the ceiling created individual spaces where small children were practicing instruments. My eyes locked on a child with a flute, then another with some other instrument, maybe a clarinet, I don't remember. I was in the wrong place. I retreated back to the hallway, the bf still in tow. I must have gotten it wrong somehow. I called him, to find out if I'd gotten the number wrong somehow. His assistant met me at the door down the opposite end of the hallway. It was much brighter over here. The bf stayed outside, in the waiting area I assume, as I entered. I went into the back, and was surprised to see my friend M from work. He's one of our top techs here, and we poke at each other but do get along, especially when it comes to the technical parts of our jobs. M stayed as the counselor directed me to a chair, himself kicking back on a sophisticated looking bed. My friend M was in a chair on the opposite side of the room. The counselor began asking questions, though I don't remember what they were, and I can't remember what I said.

And then I woke up. It was quite seriously one of the oddest dreams I've had and actually remembered. I'm not one for reading particular significance and signs into dreams, but the timing of this one is very interesting. The counselor part may have been influenced by me staying up till midnight reading The Five Love Languages for Singles. (it made more sense to be reading that one rather than the one for marriages...which was the one I bought initially) Prior to beginning the book, I spent a while writing down things that have been brought up in the last week or two that need to be addressed when the bf and I talk later today. And I wrote down how I was feeling (more for me to help consolidate my thoughts so I can be coherent and understandable when we talk). The biggest realization through all this that I made, is that I'm not ready to be in this serious of a relationship. We haven't even been dating for four months, and we're talking about marriage and it's sort of become this big end goal. I mean, half the time we act like we're already married. And I simply am not ready to be that serious yet. And I got carried away at the beginning, I jumped in head over heels and got swept away, and am only now beginning to surface and figure things out. Truthfully, this is the longest, most significant relationship I've ever had. Really, comparatively, it's the only one I've ever really had. So this is all new and unfortunately I'm not going to get it all right on the first try. And hopefully, the bf will be willing to wait for me. Right now I just want to have a fun dating relationship, I don't want to already be considered a unit, I don't want to handle schedules for two, because honestly, we're not married yet. I don't want to spend 24/7 with him, it's just too serious, too fast. And don't worry, once I know what I want (or in this case don't want), I'm very open and honest and forward about relating that. I'll be nice and calm and use all the appropriate "I" statements, but I won't lie later when we talk about everything. And all I can do is hope for the best and hope for understanding, and I'll in turn understand if he can't wait and give me patience.

Things are not yet resolved, but will be later today, one way or another. And I have to admit, that despite this pending conversation, I feel lighter than I have in weeks. I finally know what I want, and what I don't. It's a relieving and freeing feeling.


Gramma Ann said...

I agree with you, take your time to get to know the bf better. You are young yet, so why rush into anything as serious as marriage.

It is much better to be single and happy, then to be married and miserable. Marriage is a serious step to take, so yes it should be well thought out.

Oh! my, here I am going on and on, and who am I to talk about waiting until you're older? I was a big 17 when I got married, but fortunately it turned out well, because here I am 50 years later still with the same guy, only now he's a grandpa and I'm a grandma.(and I didn't marry a grandpa)hee,hee. So make sure the person you choose to marry is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.

No marriage is perfect, they all have there ups and downs, but all in all, to make it work there needs to be LOVE and RESPECT for one another and two great forgivers;)

If you make it through the first year things get easier, after that. It takes that first year to adjust to each others idiosyncrasies,some we noticed before we married and thought they were cute, but later not so cute. And some we didn't know about!!!

So whatever you decide after "the talk" I hope all turns out well for you in the long scheme of things...

Anyway, enjoy your evening!!!

Jaina said...

Thanks Gramma Ann. I'm just wishing we had already talked and I knew the outcome. He's really stubborn, I'm not sure if this is something he'll be able to handle. But I'd rather find out now rather than later.

Kellan said...

I am glad that you recognize what you want and are willing to step up and make sure it happens - good luck - Kellan

Anonymous said...

Good luck with your talk today. I admire your ability to be honest, communicate your wants/needs and beeing so mature about the whole situation.

Again, I tell you to trust your inner voice. It is always right. Don't settle for anything less.

Your dream was very interesting. It really shows the anxiety you have been feeling. Once you talk, hopefully that will be better.

Thinking of you today..

MamaGeek said...

The silver lining is truly knowing what you want. Kudos!

Jaina said...

Kellan- Thanks. I'm glad that I know what to stand up for finally. Took me long enough.

Eileen- I may not always be loudand blunt, but I seem to have developed this ability to be really straightforward when I know what I want, especially in the relationship area. It's definitely come in useful. I don't like playing games with people if I can help it. Thank you so much.

MamaGeek- You got it exactly right, thank you!

EatPlayLove said...

Interesting. Your words today seem to speak that he might not be the one. I hope you aren't backing down because you feel scared.

I wish you clarity in this situation, I hope your talk goes well.

Jaina said...

Eat Play Love- Umm, wow. I think you're in my head a little bit. All of my pulling away was initiated (unconsciously at the beginning) because I got scared of how deep in I was. (this happened when I was home sick with mono for a week and he was in Florida)