I've been struggling with writing. I don't know what to write, I don't know what to say. I want so badly to bare my soul and ask for advice, for the collective wisdom of those of you kind souls who take the time to read these little pieces of my life. I feel deceitful if I just post about any old thing, when there are really bigger, more serious things on my mind. But it's not just about me, and I don't know how much to say, don't know how to ask for advice if I can't share the whole story. It's not just my own soul I'd be baring, and I don't have permission to do that.
I mentioned in my last post that the bf and I had a rough week but that I thought we were past it. But we're not. And I'm trying very hard to deal with it. Some things have been blown out of proportion, other things have built up silently over time, a lot of it has to do with us having completely different views on things. My mom calls them love languages. I actually just got off the phone with my mom, we talked about some of what was going on (she knew something was up even before I admitted it). She recommended that I get a copy of The 5 Love Languages, she said I'd be surprised by how much they apply, and it would help with understanding. I'm planning to try to get a copy tomorrow at the library on my way home.
Part of it is that we react to things differently, in addition to having different points of view. And it sucks. I am a very independent person, and I'm incredibly stubborn. The bf is almost as stubborn as I am, so of course we're making this really suck.
And quite honestly, I'm scared. This is my first big, real, serious, significant relationship. This is the first time I've managed to stay any significant amount of time without getting skittish. It's a big step for me. And when the bf was gone and I was home sick with mono, I had time to think. And I realized how scared I was, because I was so attached. I am so attached. And that makes me vulnerable, and that's new for me. And I don't necessarily know how to deal with that. And I pulled back a little bit, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, I mean, we haven't even been dating for four months. We've already talked about getting married. And I love him. But I've been realizing more and more that I don't want to rush it. I want to take my time and enjoy the journey. And that means taking it slow. But I know that me not actually verbalizing my feelings (partly because it wasn't an entirely conscious process) just left the bf wondering what was going on. It's just like we're stuck on this wheel, like a hamster getting dizzy, feeding off of each other and blowing things out of proportion and going back and forth and being stubborn.
And we want different things. In such situations I've learned that the bf wants to be holdy and huggy and kissy, and for me, I can't do that. Which is another source of frustration and conflict. (love languages, I really need to read that) But for me, being held when I'm in such a place is confining and caging and it just makes it worse. After things are resolved, it's then that I want to be held. Anything before resolution is just a bandaid for me.
I just don't know what to do. I'm trying to do some reflection and thought, processing things that were said and brought up today. Ultimately I know that we have to (calmly) see where we stand, and if there is a happy middle. And it hurts to think that maybe we won't find that. I love him, more than anything. But I also know that learning these sorts of things is the main purpose of dating. It's testing the waters for compatibility. And sure, not everything will be perfect, but we have to learn if they are imperfections we can live with, or if it's simply not meant to be. It all makes me tired, and I just want it to be over now. I hope that we will talk in the next few days and figure it out (hinging on me being ready) See, I'm not the kind of person you want to react instantly and passionately in the heat of the moment. I'm generally a very calm, rational person. But often times I need to take a step back to evaluate and process before addressing something, and I know the bf doesn't like that wait. I agree that it sucks. But if I had responded to the issues brought up this afternoon in our im chat (yeah, we shouldn't have these conversations on im when we're at work...we're dumb like that...it's hard not to talk about it) if I had responded in the moment to these things, there is a VERY good chance that everything would have ended in that chat window. It may suck to wait, but it's much better than the alternative.
So I just don't know. How far do you compromise? Where do you find the middle ground? When is it too far gone to save? (I don't think we're there though) How much do you give in? These are things I don't know, and I'm learning. This is all very new for me, and unfortunately the bf is subject to experiencing my trial and error, it's a learning process. I just hope it's a learning process we make it through. I don't know. This is not fun. Can I please skip this part of growing up?