Saturday, August 2, 2008

Late Night Thoughts

I'm sure anyone who comes across my blog or has read any of it in the past 3 weeks is sick of hearing of the in and out, up and down drama that's been going on with the bf. There were several "talks" after which we were "okay". Finally had a good one Monday that seemed to really actually resolve things. Well, we've had another one tonight. I'm quite impressed with how quickly we went down and up on this one. Less than a day, rather than 2 weeks. That's improvement, right? I mean, it sucks that any of the drama is happening. When it boils down to it? This is the part of the relationship where our differences are being made clear, and we're learning how to work with them. Unfortunately we both still have a lot of growing up to do, albeit in different facets of our life. My growing up very much centralizes in terms of actually being in a relationship, while his tend to gear towards healthy ways of dealing with stress and controlling his mind. (which, in the context of our conversations makes way more sense than I'm sure it does at this moment here in my blog) Of course, the fact that we are both incredibly stubborn individuals does nothing to aid the situation. As my mother so gently put it this morning, we're having a territorial pissing contest. Sad thing is, she's not wrong. But we've definitely made progress in being able to talk about things and figure things out. And yes, it's going to take time, and sometimes it's a little discouraging. But I have hope, and that's a very powerful thing.

I'm learning that compromise doesn't mean I've lost my independence. I'm also learning that sometimes it's necessary to reign in that independent me just slightly so that it doesn't completely walk over people. It's like civil liberties, they only extend so far as they don't encroach on another person's rights. (yeah yeah, not the exact wording, but close enough) My independence is fine so long as it doesn't completely submarine someone else's right to independence or happiness. The trick is in finding the balance. My goal is to try and temper my reactions to things that trigger that stubborn independent side of me. This is really important because the bf? Words aren't his strongest suit, and he doesn't always say things right. He's trying, but definitely still learning. So, while he learns how to use words effectively and appropriately, I'll be working on turning my instant independent reactions to things into questions saying, "hey what did you mean by that?" or, "hey, that kind of triggered the independent streak, what did you really mean?". I'll admit, I'm rather protective of my independence, and it's tough going learning how to balance that with being in a relationship. This is all a complete learning curve for me. But I'm heartened by our ability to talk and explain things. It's a process, but I think it's worth it. We also both need to not jump to conclusions or assume things that are not said. That gets us into more trouble than anything else I think. Again with this whole growing up thing. To quote Meredith Grey, "We're adults. When did that happen, and how do we make it stop?" I mean seriously.

I will eventually get the hang of this, right? I'm not a completely hopeless case? I mean, bottom line, when it comes down to it, I'm head over heals for the bf. Which is why all this drama hurts us both so much. But, we're doing okay, and we're getting better. Just learning how this all works and how we work, both as individuals and as a couple. Wow, those are all like, really grown up things that I never really expected to come out of my mouth (or in this case, my fingers)


Gramma Ann said...

I'm sure by morning things will be looking up. Things always seem to get better, and take on a different prospective in the daytime...Why? I don't know. But, there have been times when I have laid awake most of the night worrying about something or other, and in the daylight it becomes better able to understand the situation...

Anyway, in the meantime, have a fun-filled week-end. And, remember: "Love and respect for each other, is the bond that holds a relationship together."

EatPlayLove said...

I've been with my husband since I was 17. Fast forward to 17 years later, just blows my mind.

Ultimately you'll go through ups and downs. Do what you know is right in your heart.

Jaina said...

Gramma Ann- You're definitely right about things looking better in the morning. I'm a big believer in that.
Thanks for those words of wisdom.

EatPlayLove- That's mind blowing just hearing about it! Wouldn't it be great if your heart was always clear with what was right? I'm figuring it out, but I wish I could have just a manual or something for it. Haha. I can dream, right?

Trooper Thorn said...

You say you have a lot of growing up to do, but judging by your comments, you are more emotionally mature than people twice your age.

Thanks for you comments about my dad and your positive review of the screenplay. Another episode goes up tomorrow.

Jaina said...

Trooper- Why thank you. That means a lot, and it's very encouraging. I know I need to "grow up" in terms of the having of the relationship and knowing how to deal with that. But it's very encouraging to hear that maybe I'm not too bad off emotionally. Thank you. :)