I thought we had this all worked out, the holidays I mean. But I feel like I was completely blindsided today and now I feel completely awful and out of sorts. (you can't tell, but there was a LOOOONG pause here in writing this post) I did just talk to my mom about it and feel a little bit better, but I'm just out of it. It probably doesn't help that I'm hormonal, so while my feelings are valid, I'm not dealing with them as well as I usually would.
The bf told me at work today that his mom got upset with him last night about holiday stuff and that we should split them, one there one here because it's not fair. This came out of nowhere for me, because we had multiple discussions regarding holidays. Our plans were to spend both Thanksgiving and Christmas up with my family, and we were going to celebrate those holidays with the bf's parents on a different day, either before or after. This decision was made after the bf and I had a long discussion in which I was told that his family didn't do big stuff for holidays and as long as they got to celebrate the day didn't really matter. This was ALSO emphasized by his parents in at least two different conversations. So I took this assurance from everyone that things were fine...only now apparently they aren't.
Holidays are big in my family, we go all out, and they're the handful of times a year that my extended family gets together. They're really important to me. Our plans for Thanksgiving were to drive up to my parents' house Thursday morning, and then come back here Saturday evening. I was going to get my parents' house decorated like I always do, and I wanted to help my Papa with his indoor decorations, since he's decided not to do the outdoor lights this year (which also makes me sad). Saturday I was going to bake cookies with my Grama. It's our little tradition to bake Christmas cookies together, we have since I was little. There have only been a few years that we've missed it. Evidently the Barbershop Quartet thing is Saturday afternoon. Which I may have known, but definitely do not have written down...and clearly the bf was not consciously aware of it either when we finalized our Thanksgiving plans to come back Saturday evening. The plan was to go with his parents on Sunday to buy their Christmas tree. Now we're going Thursday and coming back either Friday night or Saturday morning. I am hoping that I can do cookies with my Grama Friday AND get all of at least my parents' decorations up.
The bf said earlier that we just need to be aware of how many days we're going up for each thing. Have I mentioned that I hate the words balanced and equal and fair? Because most things in this world, simply are not. He mentioned that he thought they just didn't realize how many days we'd be gone each time. We just barely finalized yesterday that we were taking off the 23rd and would head up to my parents' the evening of the 22nd. The plan was to come back maybe the evening of the 26th or sometime the 27th. Now I don't know what the plans are. In terms of "fair" and "equal", you do have to consider that I hardly ever get to see my family. They live 3+ (depending on traffic) hours away. I'm going to get to see them on Thanksgiving, and then I'm not going to get to see them again until Christmas. Because of various plans I don't have a free weekend until the weekend just before Christmas, which doesn't really make sense to drive up and then come back for maybe 2 days and go back up. And now I don't even have that weekend because the bf's parents anniversary is the 23rd and the light parade (in the harbor) is that Sunday and that's their anniversary celebration thing.
I know that eventually there has to be compromise and figuring all this stuff out as you get older, but I wasn't supposed to have to do it this year. I'm not ready to do it this year. Honestly the thought of not being with my family both holidays makes me want to throw up. I feel like a selfish bitch saying any of that. And really, there are things on the weekends all throughout December with the bf's parents. I see them WAY more often than I see my own family. We are always there, the bf lives with them. (long story about that one...basics is they moved and he moved back into the house, and then they came back...) So when you start throwing out words like equal and fair, if you really want to consider it, I barely see my family. And I'm REALLY close to my family, especially my parents and my grandparents. What got me the most upset is that now I'm not sure that I'm going to get to bake cookies with my Grama. Because it's not fair. Also, as my mom pointed out, we are ONLY DATING!!! Yes, he's the one and I'm pretty darn sure I'm going to be marrying him. So that just makes it more complicated.
I mostly just feel really crappy right now. And I do realize that I would probably be handling this better if hormones weren't also a factor. I'm not mad at his parents, I understand actually, I just feel blindsided, this feels like it came out of nowhere...which is partly why I'm upset and out of it...I usually see things coming and am at least slightly prepared. I feel like I've had the wind knocked out of me.
I know most of you who read my blog are married and probably have experience with stuff like this, with the navigation of the holidays. How do you "split the days" to "make it fair and even"? What do you do? And how did you make that transition and those decisions?