Thursday, April 24, 2008
Today is different. Today is good. Today I didn't just teach a lesson and put my instrument away. Today I practiced. I really, truly practiced. It was like picking up an old friend that had been patiently waiting for me to get my act together and realize I missed them. I played scales, I played my solos, I play 'The Spell', which is my most absolute favorite solo ever. It was like I'd found a piece of me that's been missing for months, one I could sometimes see, but never truly realized had been an aching emptiness until it was once again filled. See, I learned about a not so fun side of this real world thing. I learned about the side where you don't always pass and there aren't always happy endings. I didn't pass my student teaching last semester. And it shattered my confidence as it shook my entire world. It was my first experience with failure. Needless to say, I didn't handle it incredibly well. Mostly because I didn't know how. I didn't know how to be open and vulnerable, I didn't know how to deal with the niceness of everyone who found out/I told. I didn't know how to ask for help and support, because I'm always the one in the role of supporter, it's hard to switch roles suddenly when you've played the same part for ages. Typically me, I withdrew from a lot of things, nothing too noticeable if you didn't know me. I haven't actually picked up a baton since I found out that I didn't pass. I had a breakdown about a month ago, got too overwhelmed during rehearsal for community band at the school where I spent an entire semester, and made it home in time to get online with a friend (incidentally, now the bf) and completely freak out. As far as breaking down and such goes, it was rather mild, but it was good for me. I needed to let go. One of my favorite songs is Let Go by Frou Frou. Too bad I didn't listen to those lyrics before; "let go... it's alright, because there's beauty in the breakdown" Better late than never, right? I've had an easier time of it since then. Rehearsals and teaching my flute student has gotten easier. It's no longer painful, I can breathe now. I still haven't picked up a baton. I'm working on that. My confidence is not entirely back, but at least it's begun to mend. To be entirely honest, I've never been a great practicer. It's a bad habit I suppose. But I shied away even further after everything. But today, today I practiced. And it felt good. I plan to continue, just a little bit each day or so. It will help. I've played flute for 13, nearly 14 years. I love it, and it felt so good, so RIGHT to play today. Besides, I promised my grandpa when I graduated that I wouldn't stop practicing or playing. Time to fulfill that promise I think, because after all, I don't make promises I won't keep. Small steps, one foot in front of the other, and I'll get my feet back under me. In the meantime, I have a fabulous apartment, a job that I absolutely love, wonderful friends and an amazing new boyfriend. I may have not passed, but that's okay. Because I'm going to get back on the horse, and do it again. And this time it will be easy. (once I take the few classes I need to help prepare me better...conducting and instrumental methods) I am so lucky to have so many people supporting me. I think that's what made it so hard to deal with. Everyone was so supportive and just, NICE, and I couldn't stand it. I didn't mind telling people, it was their reactions. They were NICE to me, and I just couldn't comprehend it, because I FAILED. They could not make that okay. But I get it now, and I can deal better, I am dealing better. It doesn't throw me off to talk about it anymore. It's still a soft subject, but it doesn't break me anymore, and that's something, right? In the words of a favorite song, I'm not there yet, but I will be. And I'm ever so looking forward to it.
The picture is one I took last year, yes that's my flute. The music is the piece I was working on at the time of the photo. I've had this flute since my junior year of high school, it's my baby. I absolutely love it, it's one of my most prized possessions. It's a little piece of my soul. And it was SO happy to actually be practiced today, not just played out of necessity to teach a lesson or for rehearsal. It makes me happy, music makes me happy.
~taken February 27, 2007
~setting: landscape, flash did not fire (don't ask why I had it set to landscape...your guess is as good as mine!)