I think I might be falling apart. But I'm consciously aware of what I am doing. I compartmentalize pretty well...comes from having to deal with lots of drama over the years. I compartmentalize to function. Distractions help too. My mom's visit couldn't have been more perfectly timed this weekend. I had a wonderful time hanging out with her, watching movies and going to the bridal show. More on the happy stuff later. I'm not in a happy mood.
If I don't cry it's not real. I can't help the tears that spilled over a little bit...they were excess, and I'm exhausted, my eyes are tired. I know that it's not true, but there is some part of myself that is clinging to the idea that if I don't cry, then it's not real, though consciously I'm almost laughing at myself for such foolishness. It's not happening. It's just a bad dream, some awful, ill-conceived and incredibly early April Fools prank. I consciously know that this is not really the case. I know that the longer I ignore it while looking it in the face, the harder this is going to hit. But I don't care. It's unbelievable, therefore it can't be true. Tears are wet, tangible. They represent a detached reality that I don't want to face. Thus, if I don't cry, it's not real. I think it might be what they call denial. I'm not sure, I don't think I've ever been there. It's easier for my mind to detach. I don't like to think much. Thinking hurts when the thoughts are nonsensical and have no conceivable rational explanation. Compartmentalization to function. No tears.