Monday, February 1, 2010


I think I might be falling apart. But I'm consciously aware of what I am doing. I compartmentalize pretty well...comes from having to deal with lots of drama over the years. I compartmentalize to function. Distractions help too. My mom's visit couldn't have been more perfectly timed this weekend. I had a wonderful time hanging out with her, watching movies and going to the bridal show. More on the happy stuff later. I'm not in a happy mood.

If I don't cry it's not real. I can't help the tears that spilled over a little bit...they were excess, and I'm exhausted, my eyes are tired. I know that it's not true, but there is some part of myself that is clinging to the idea that if I don't cry, then it's not real, though consciously I'm almost laughing at myself for such foolishness. It's not happening. It's just a bad dream, some awful, ill-conceived and incredibly early April Fools prank. I consciously know that this is not really the case. I know that the longer I ignore it while looking it in the face, the harder this is going to hit. But I don't care. It's unbelievable, therefore it can't be true. Tears are wet, tangible. They represent a detached reality that I don't want to face. Thus, if I don't cry, it's not real. I think it might be what they call denial. I'm not sure, I don't think I've ever been there. It's easier for my mind to detach. I don't like to think much. Thinking hurts when the thoughts are nonsensical and have no conceivable rational explanation. Compartmentalization to function. No tears.


Kelly Deneen said...

Just cry. :( You need to let it out. Take care of yourself. *hugs*

Renie Burghardt said...

Sometimes. things just get overwhelming. Let the tears come and wash away the blues, Jaina. It's okay to cry.

Hugs and prayers,


Gramma Ann said...

Sweet Jaina,

I am so sorry to see that your friend Moe, died. You have my deepest sympathy.

Crying is part of the grieving process, when we loose a dear loved one to death, it is only right that we cry. Why! even Jesus cried when his friend Lazarus died. Read the account at John 11:1-44. Esp. notice verse 35, where it says: "Jesus gave way to tears." But what happened next made Lazarus sisters and friends very happy. Jesus resurrected him back to life. How wonderful was that? At John 5:28,29, Jesus said, "Do not marvel at this,because the hour is coming in which those in the grave will hear his voice and come out, a resurrection." What a wonderful time that will be when we meet our loved ones in the resurrection.

So if you want to cry, go ahead, it will help you to get through the grieving process better.
Gramma Ann

Jennifer (Jen on the Edge) said...

Cry. It's healthier than holding it in.

Hang in there.

Kellan said...

I am sorry for your pain, Jaine - your loss. I hope you move beyond your pain quickly and past all the tears - as on the other side of darkness that sometimes seems as though it will drown us - is always the sun.

PS - I have missed you as well. Thank you, my friend.

See you soon - Kellan

Heidi said...

Tears are good. Tears help to heal. Have a good cry and then the healing can begin. It might take several times before you feel anything but it will happen.
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope that you find something happy in the days to come. Remember the good things about her!

Jaina said...

I usually reply individually, but I can't do that for this one. Thank you all so much for your supportive, kind and loving comments. They helped strengthen me to get through this. I truly appreciate your friendship.

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