Thursday, September 18, 2008

Insomnia of a Busy Mind

Why is it that of all the bf's habits, I had to choose to start imitating his inability to sleep? Seriously, it's annoying...particularly when I'm exhausted. So rather than lay in bed for another hour, waiting for my mind to finally shut up, I ended up here. (I still have a laptop from work, so this is actually convenient...I'm in bed typing. I like this)

Falling asleep this week has kind of sucked. Honestly? I think I'm still a little hyped up from my amazing weekend singing backup for Carole King. It was an amazing experience, but it's brought out a bit of wistfulness and memories of old dreams...that apparently weren't as put away as I thought. See, when I was younger, I REALLY wanted to act. Like, really. Nothing major ever really came out of it...I think high school distracted me. But being there on the stage and backstage brought those desires to the front of my mind, wondering how I would do it, if it's too late to start, if it's really even something I still want to do, or if I was just swept up in the excitement of the weekend. I know I probably sound ridiculous, I mean, who hasn't dreamed of being a movie star at least once in their life? My friends and I used to have entire make-believe games of such things. They were lots of fun. I got a call back from a modeling place we had gone probably my senior year of high school...the call was at the beginning of my senior year of college. My mom passed me the message...I never did call back. I was too busy to even think about it. As a believer (and getting stronger) in the sometimes annoying cliche that "everything happens for a reason", I'm trying not to let myself play that "what if game". It's a dangerous, maddening game that I happen to be all too good at playing, and thus rarely allow myself the indulgence. The results are never pretty.

Along the lines of things happening for a reason, how do you find the balance between letting go and trusting God's plan, and taking charge and doing what you're supposed to do? This was a question that came up in our women's book group in the past weeks. It's something we have revisited several times. As a person who likes to be in control of my life and as many of the variables as possible, where do I need to step back and just let go. Relinquish that control and trust that God will take care of things? I always run into the problem of wondering if I'm doing my part, if I'm doing enough. Because you can't just sit back in your lounge chair all day and say, oh, well, I don't need to get up and go to work because I trust that God is going to take care of me and provide for me. You have to do your fair share. But sometimes, often times, as humans, we tend to overstep our fair share and try to control EVERYTHING. We also have the habit of Indian giving, where we will relinquish our problems to God, only to take them back. There is a quote in the book we're reading, I can't remember it exactly, but the the basic idea is something like, oh here God, here's this problem...I'm not exactly sure how I ended up with it again, but here you are, I'm giving it back to you. And of course when we were discussing this passage Monday night, I had this amusing image of the dialogue played out, and God just sitting there chuckling with a bemused smile as we YET AGAIN give back something that should have remained in His hands to begin with. What can I say, we're fallible creatures prone to making mistakes. But mistakes don't always have to be bad, as long as we learn and grow from them.

Bet that sounded an awful lot like a tangent. (well, it kind of was...but it was partly related...there was a logical thought process somewhere in this tired brain of mine that got me there) So back to that whole acting business. Did I miss my shot? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe I missed A shot. Is it something I even really want to do? Or am I being temporarily seduced by the lingering performance pheremones shooting around behind and on stage this weekend? Who knows. But what I have chosen to do (and now just need my mind to follow suit), is to trust that I am on the right path for me, whatever that may be. If I'm meant to become a famous actor or model...then I'll get there, something will lead me there. This of course could lead to a discussion about divine plan versus free will and the balance of the two. But that's an entire post unto itself. I won't suffer you to make this one any longer than it already is. I didn't set out to write a chapter tonight. But perhaps it was the exact outlet that my mind needed to calm down and settle for the night so that I can get some sleep.


Gramma Ann said...

Hi Jaina,

Wednesday night was my night of insomnia, I couldn't go to sleep until after 3:00 am. I hate those nights. But, as you said, our minds won't settle down. Like you I was being a worry-wart about a 5 minute presentation I needed to give Thursday evening. I made it through and I'm just fine this Friday morning.

As far as God's plan for you said, he created us with freewill. He does not force us to worship him. But, God does have requirements that he expects us to follow if we want to worship in a way that pleases him. How do we learn these requirements, by a study of the Bible. That is where we today find comfort from any problems we may be facing. Matthew chapters 5-7 is where Jesus famous sermon on the Mount is found. It covers a variety of situations we encounter often and the solutions. If everyone applied the counsel found their the world would be a much happier place.

There I go on a "tangent" so will get down off my soapbox and quietly go back to "Anns Little Reading Corner."

Jaina said...

Gramma Ann-Those nights are not fun. I'll have to read those chapters. I love your tangents and your soap boxes. Thank you so much for sharing them :)

Gramma Ann said...

Hi Jaina,

I think you would enjoy reading the blog post of "Here In The Hills" that she posted yesterday. BUT, the only way I know to get you there is to go to and on my August 31, 2008 post entitled, "Me and Mr. Jones" she left the first comment. She is: "oldold lady of the hills."

This is a part 2 post, part 1 she posted a few weeks ago.

I hope you can make sense of this post, and find her post interesting.

gramma ann....again;)

OHmommy said...

I have many nights where my mind just won't rest. Ugh. Great title for the post.

Jaina said...

Gramma Ann-On my way over to check it out. Thanks for the heads up!

OHMommy-Yeah, those nights are no fun. And thanks! I'll credit the lack of sleep and the lateness of the hour for the cool title :)

ConverseMomma said...

How do you let go and just trust God's plan? Oh honey, I have been asking myself that for year. I can say that when I was miscarrying I was so angry at God. I kept trying to force my own happiness. Then I let go, and I found Buggy. Still, it can be hard to find a balance between waiting and trying to make magic happen.

Jaina said...

ConverseMama-It definitely is a tricky balance to walk...I constantly find myself slipping one way or the other. It's so easy to look back and see what the big plan was-hindsight is 20/20 after all. But when you're in the moment? All you really have to go on is faith that there is some greater plan, something better that you just can't see yet. And I'm sure you know better than even me, that sometimes it's hard to believe that anything good can possibly come. I'm so glad your great came in the form of Bug and later Butterfly. What beautiful blessings.

Mr Lady said...

That is an admirable and difficult choice. You're a bigger person than me, that's for sure.

Jaina said...

Mr. Lady- Thanks. I don't always follow through with that choice of course, but I try to most of the time.