Monday, February 9, 2009

Conflicts of Interest

Alright. I'm frustrated. And I need to just write to get a few things out. I'm going to try to very matter of factly give you two situations here. I need feedback, I want to hear your take on this. And don't be afraid to tell me I'm wrong or unreasonable if you think I am. I want honesty.

Situation Number One:

We've tossed around the idea of going on a lake trip sometime soon with our desert group. I was (and am) totally keen on this idea. Sometime last week, the bf and I head down to visit Renee at work and there is a date for this trip that they've already discussed and checked with our desert friends. Cool, I'm excited.
I get home that night and see the weekly young adult email from our leader and a date catches my eye. The date for the retreat. I quickly go to my calendar and check. Sure enough, the retreat (that I've been planning to go on since I couldn't go to the one back in like, September) is marked clearly on the weekend they planned to go to the lake. I immediately start to text the bf (he was out shopping). As I was texting, he calls. I tell him about the scheduling conflict that I just saw. Long and short, the trip ends up being rescheduled for a few reasons, partly because of me.
Please note: at no point during the planning/decision making of date was I asked once if that date worked for me. Additionally, while I was disappointed by the conflict, I never asked for the date to be rescheduled. I wished them a good time and said I would miss them.

I was upset about situation number one for two reasons. Reason number one: I was annoyed that plans were made for me without any of my input. Reason number two: the bf got mad at me for the scheduling conflict...when he had neglected to ask me about the date before planning it.

Situation Number Two:

I'm talking to my cousin (Ariel) today. We've been talking for a week or two to try and figure out a weekend for her to come visit me. I'd given her a few dates that were clear on my calendar. She asked about a date and we settled on the weekend of the 20-22, two weekends from now. There are zero other plans on my calendar or that I've been spoke to about.
I mentioned it to the bf, that she was going to come the weekend after our next desert trip. (which is this weekend, obviously) I did not ask the bf for input/permission before giving my cousin the green light.

My Question:

Are these situations the same? Did I do the same thing today that he did to me last week?

I'll save my commentary until I hear back from at least a few of you. I don't want to color or influence your responses to me. Please, please be honest with me.


Gramma Ann said...

Oh you asked the wrong one to give her opinion. I'm always full of opinions...First, about the cousins visit...Are you married to the bf, are you engaged to the bf. If not, you still have your own life and freedom. If you want to spend a week-end with the cousin you have every right to. If bf has a problem with that, well it's his problem. She will always be your cousin, but he may not always be your bf. But, it is still your decision to make not mine.

The first situation, I don't know what to say. Bf knows you schedule your week-ends, so the nice thing would have been for him to have consulted you first, but men don't always think like we do. I guess he didn't think it was necessary. Did he make the plans or did the others made the plans and then just related them to him and you. I can't read between the lines, but it sounds like you two may need to have another one of your talks to clear the air. I don't know. But it isn't anything that can't be worked out.

There that didn't help at all. You still have to make your own decisions, no one can make them for you.

Jaina said...

Gramma Ann-But I love hearing your opinion. And I truly appreciate your sharing it. Good to know I'm not being completely unreasonable. I agree with you completely about the issue about my cousin. To answer your question for the second one, he was one of the main planners.
My mom also agrees...I got the chance to talk to her about it this evening. Thanks again for the opinions, I really appreciate your friendship :)

Grandma Elaine said...

It sounds like you value your independence. Bf will need to accept that. This seems to be a control situation. (I just happened on this blog and haven't read anymore of your blogs for any background.) If this is an isolated situation,fine. If not it raises relationship questions.

Jaina said...

Grandma Elaine-I do, you are absolutely right. And he's known that since the beginning, and lately it's seemed to bother him. Thank you so much for stopping by and commenting. :) I hope to "see" you around soon!

April said...

Hmmmm...I understand Gramma Ann's point but on the flip side, even when my DH and I were seriously dating (and I hope I'm not being presumptious by assuming you guys are serious?) we saw each other every we DID need to coordinate all weekend plans with each other. It wasn't a matter of asking "permission" but more a check-in to keep all our plans syncronized. Does that make sense? (sorry for the typos!)

Gramma Ann said...

April, I agree with you, bf needs to check in and see what is on her schedule, what was it you said, oh! yes, synchronize, I like that word. One meaning of synchronize, is "to represent or arrange events to indicate coexistence." So if you ever are planning on coexistence, you need to synchronize now. ;)) Sorry Jaina I'm just being funny. I hope by now everything has worked itself out.

Jaina said...

April-That does make sense. And I see your point. My question for you though, is did you automatically assume you were doing something with him if you hadn't made plans already? I guess also, how often did you get to see each other? Just trying to make sure I get it all. But I definitely do see your point.

Gramma Ann-Lol, love the definition. As for things being worked out...the situation is over. It was over yesterday, at least for him. I'm not really one to hold on to such things for very long, but this isn't the first of his out of the blue mood swings and arguments with me because of them.

scrappysue said...

two totally different situations, if your cousin is specifically coming to see YOU, ie doesn't really matter if the bf is there or not. it drives me MAD when you plan something AGES in advance and give ppl a chance to note it on this AMAZING TECHNOLOGY we have and yet a conflict arises. makes my blood boil!!! hope it works out for ya!

Momo Fali said...

I kinda do think they're the same. I think both of you should've checked with the other at this point in a relationship. He definitely should've checked with you about the date for the trip, and you might have asked if he had any problem with your cousin coming up that weekend. Just my opinion...and just because you asked! Don't hate me!

Jaina said...

Sue-Haha, you are wonderful. Thank you.

Momo-Of course I don't hate you! When I'm calm I actually think you're probably right. My independence bristles at the thought of having to ask permission...but I suppose it's not really asking permission. Is it?

MamaGeek @ Works For Us said...

Hmm that's a tough one but I tend to agree with Momo Fali on this one, don't hate me either! Please!

Jaina said...

MamaGeek-Not possible to hate either of you! I asked for your honest opinion. And while part of me balks at it, I think you're probably right. (at least when I'm calm, I do) :)

Supercool Hotmama said...

Yeah, I think it's the same thing.

However, he was making plans for both of you, without consulting you. Were you also making plans for the two of you, or were you just making plans for a girl's weekend which didn't involve him, and would only effect him as it relates to you being unavailable to him during that time? IMO, if you are making plans for just a girl's weekend, and it only involves him because you will be unavailable, you do not need to get his permission - only inform him. But if he's expected to tag along and meet the cousin, etc. then yes, you should consult before setting the plan in stone. I do tend to pencil a date in without consulting, simply because sometimes it's easier to plan an activity tentatively with the understanding that "if there's an unknown conflict" you'll have to alter plans.

I hope that all makes sense.

Jaina said...

Supercool Hotmama-I really like your idea of tentatively penciling in a plan. That gives me the flexibility to not have to say "oh, well, I have to ask my bf before I can make plans with you", which is what I cannot handle. That's where I have trouble. but if I can tentatively pencil something in, I think that works much better. I can work with that better.

April said...

So sorry I didn't respond to your question sooner, i Just saw your question!

"My question for you though, is did you automatically assume you were doing something with him if you hadn't made plans already? I guess also, how often did you get to see each other?"

I admit, when it got serious for us, I DID automatically assume we would be spending the weekends together. But knowing that we each also had our own lives, we always checked in with the other for instance like a "Hey, So-and-So wants to do lunch with me this Saturday, but I wanted to check with you first to make sure we didn't have plans?" I don't mean in asking permission, but my DH (then my BF) was notorious for FORGETTING to tell me dates of stuff we were invited to by his friends/family (kind of similar to your BF forgetting to tell you?)so this was the best way for ME to make sure misunderstandings didn't happen!

Jaina said...

April-No worries :) Thanks for coming back to answer. I think I'm going to have to copy your methods...because they sound reasonable and they obviously worked. And I feel like the bf and your DH may be similar in the planning on occasion. Thank you so much for the advice. I'm definitely going to incorporate it.